Nine Feet Underground

As things progress for E, the level of stress we are all experiencing has increased. Stress tends to creep up on you unnoticed until it overwhelms you.   Often, it takes someone else to spot the signs of increasing stress. It's getting to the level where I need to take action for my own sanity. My sons are also stuck and struggling to move on with their lives, which is not something E would ever have wanted.  There are some changes which we've been resisting but which I now must consider. It's not ideal, but when E came out of the hospital some two years ago the prognosis was not good and it seemed that, for such a short time, it would be best for E to spend her remaining days at home.  Two years later the downside of that decision is painfully clear.  After the next palliative care visit, at which I'll discuss all the above, I will begin to set the wheels in motion to change things. It will probably take a while, and given how E has been lately, it may nev...

For about a week, maybe more, I've had a cold.  It's one of those colds that refuses to go quickly. I have shared it widely, unintentionally, though of course, I may not be the source of all the colds, there are so many about. I'm not here to write about my cold, though. It's a lead-in to something more pernicious. Accompanying the cold, especially as it slowly fades, I've had a bad headache. Initially, I thought it was cold-related, but I've come to believe it's a physical manifestation of stress - a topic that opens a crate of cans of worms. The stress I'm experiencing is probably the result of several things I'm anxious about. I had considered listing the things I thought were at the root of it, and then deciding whether they belong in the category of things I can control or cannot control. Instead, I've decided to dig deeper and write about it in the hope that writing it down helps control it and maybe it helps more widely.  I've always b...

Not a great morning to wake up to. Unbelievable, yet true. Moving the subject several thousand miles East, all the news that's fit to print. I have a stinking cold (not COVID, I've checked) and am thus feeling rather factual, telegram-style, so this post may be short. E continues her slow decline, but at least we seem to have got her pain management under control, mostly, at least.  As one of her carers said, "...at times she's too strong for her own good." Hard as this is to see in black and white, her suffering needs to come to an end. There is no purpose or gain from its continuation. For anyone. Q and I spent an enjoyable week in Amsterdam, my first real visit to the city and country. It was great to spend time with family and friends.  We did a lot of walking, saw a lot of sights to remember and ate some wonderful food with delightful company. I would love to go again, there's so much we didn't see.  Just before heading to Amsterdam, I saw High Llamas...