Love, Poetry and Revolution - Thursday 14th November 2024

For about a week, maybe more, I've had a cold.  It's one of those colds that refuses to go quickly. I have shared it widely, unintentionally, though of course, I may not be the source of all the colds, there are so many about.

I'm not here to write about my cold, though. It's a lead-in to something more pernicious. Accompanying the cold, especially as it slowly fades, I've had a bad headache. Initially, I thought it was cold-related, but I've come to believe it's a physical manifestation of stress - a topic that opens a crate of cans of worms.

The stress I'm experiencing is probably the result of several things I'm anxious about. I had considered listing the things I thought were at the root of it, and then deciding whether they belong in the category of things I can control or cannot control.

Instead, I've decided to dig deeper and write about it in the hope that writing it down helps control it and maybe it helps more widely. 

I've always been a worrier. My Dad was an Olympic standard worrier. I'm sure he passed this gift on to me.  Not only that but the family home was a constant source of anxiety when I was growing up.

For periods of my life I've had it under control, but it's always been there. Hand-in-hand with worrying I also have an incredible talent for over-thinking and can catastrophize with the best of them.  Quite a combination when fully activated.

Years ago, when E became ill and her symptoms confined her to the bed, my worrying reigned in, this was mainly because I felt that nothing worse could happen and so there was a lot less to lose.  Everything else in life was a breeze.

During that time I had a couple of operations which changed my life for the better and reduced my stress level immensely. A stress I'd lived with for so long, that I didn't realize the impact it had been having.

During the progression of E's illness, I came to realise, with the help of counselling, that E and I's paths must diverge and I still had life in me that needed to be shared.  Trying to meet someone in one's later years is a source of stress in itself.  I'm sure I could write a book about that, but it's not what I'm writing about now.

As my life has broadened and been enriched (thankQ),  there is more to worry about, in theory, but mostly my attitude to things outside my control has changed for the better.  I've become more flexible, less worried about control (which is mostly an illusion anyway) and open to change. Even last-minute changes of plans.

Right now there is a lot of stress in my life because of E's dwindling light.  There are two big worries.  Is she in more pain than we know? It feels like she could pass soon, though it could take months more. Which makes the first question all the more pertinent.  Whatever I plan to do, there's always this question mark whether I'll have to return unexpectedly. The uncertainties are stressful in themselves, but because of the phase E's experiencing they seem magnified. No one can provide certainty. Events will just unfold.

I've written it down, probably in less detail than I'd imagined, but it is out there, or out of my head, at least.

If I may quote a Todd Rundgren lyric, "There's always more". 

On a completely unrelated note, I have left Twitter/X and joined Bluesky. 

Robert Wyatt /  'At Last I Am Free'  / 'Nothing Can Stop Us'

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