Nine Feet Underground

May is approaching fast,  yet the tendrils of winter are still upon us.  I'm trying to stick to wearing T-shirts, but it's becoming a challenge.  (N.B. Not just T-shirts, ofc.) In sharp contrast to the missing spring weather here, 'Married At First Sight Australia' brings a lot of sunshine, be it from Sydney, the Gold Coast, Perth or wherever.  As many of you know, I am a regular viewer, in fact, you might even say I am a 'fan' (Steady on!)  There are some solid reasons for this (see me to discuss), but I won't write about those reasons here. Instead, I am going discuss some of the phrases that appear to be common parlance amongst Australians of a certain age, or maybe all Australians. (I could write about the fact that men don't seem to wear socks with shoes, but I'll skip that. Just an observation.) 'It's not my jam': You might think this is a phrase to be used in a kitchen. I don't really like jam (though I do like marmalade), so i

Today looks a little more Spring-like - it's less cloudy, there's been some sunshine and so far, no rain. As the woman on the bread stall said earlier, it is a bit fresh though. I'm gradually switching over to wearing T-shirts, in a bid to either encourage a change in the weather or become as tough as a Geordie - whichever comes first.  There is a third option, but we'll ignore that for now. It's Syd Barrett/'Have You Got It Yet?' if you're asking. I think I will be having a quiet Saturday, apart from the usual things that Saturday entails.  It is Record Store Day today, but as I'm trying to break away from physical media, then I'm just letting it happen. I'm still not convinced about the vinyl solution, apart from the aesthetics of the sleeve. Musically, I'm heading for the High-Res saloon. This week, I have mostly been listening to the new albums by The High Llamas ('Hey Panda') and Julia Holter ('Something In The Room She M

There are a million thoughts all clamouring to escape, but it's not possible to write so many parallel thoughts and be intelligible even though it is possible to think them simultaneously. Life as a Venn diagram.  Separate parts of life coalesce into one life: the intersections overlap entirely into a single set, containing everything. Ziggy Stardust final show; Pandas; M. John Harrison; dipole centre cut at 300Mhz; walking boots; clutter/decluttering; Vinted; Logotherapy; Tom's Studio; Berlin; Bandpass filter; Phaedra; Eternity (CK); MAFSA; Some Velvet Morning; LIBSO; Friars Aylesbury; Amsterdam; ROPAL; noise annoys; Prague; stasis; Drag City; Cork; and so on. Live every day as if it is the last, in whatever way that works for you. (Make it so) The High Lamas /  'Hey Panda'   / 'Hey Panda' [[ ]]

We're well into April, but this is my first post.  Why?  Choose one from the following list: Couldn't be bothered; Abducted by aliens; Busy 'doing' life; or,  all of the above. Since my last post I've spent a few days in my adopted second home of Liverpool.  During this stay, Q and I went and saw a celebration of the songs of Lennon & McCartney called ' Come Together ', watched the film ' Wicked Little Letters ' at the Everyman cinema, and saw Say She She live at Hangar 34. That's retirement! (To be sung and crowbar-ed into 'That's Entertainment' by The Jam. Give it a go, it doesn't really fit, but if you try hard enough...) 'Come Together' was well-performed and, a times, funny, though it did play fast and loose with the facts.  In particular, I'm damn sure they implied that 'Abbey Road' was recorded AFTER 'Let It Be', which it clearly wasn't.  Not only that, but the linking segments omitted a

Another delayed post.  There is too much going on whilst I am at home to manage to stick to plans. E has definitely stabilised to the extent that I have decided, in agreement with my sons, that I am just going to go ahead and follow my plans. She is still on medication, but I don't think she's in any hurry to go anywhere, even though her quality of life is the lowest it's ever been. For the past couple of weeks, maybe more, she has slept 99% of the time.  Set against this, now that I have the time to do what I want with my time, I really need to start doing it. Last week's brief stay with Q reminded me how much better I feel when I am not 'stuck' here. I always do everything in my power to make sure my time away runs smoothly for E and for my sons.  There's one more thing I need to organise, just in case, but then I must put myself first.  This is my new approach to things. Since I last wrote here I went to the preview screening of this documentary: ' Th

I had planned to write this post yesterday, but it was a bit of a day for E and thus for me. It started first thing after E had suffered a bad night which resulted in her struggling to breathe easily.  This caused her to panic and it took an extra dose of sedative to gradually bring things under control.  First thing this morning her breathing was normal again and she was calmer. Today we have taken the first steps to reduce her daily intake of sedative but not the pain relief.  If she continues to be asleep all or the majority of the time, even with the reduction of the sedative, then this will suggest that her sleepiness is part of a process of decline. I had a lot of time to think yesterday, either whilst nurses were here (two separate visits) or whilst waiting for medication, during which time I found myself considering the nature of hell.  I came to the realisation that if it existed (which I don't think it does) it would be very different to the eternal fire than is so often

A game of two halves. Amongst all the omnipresent uncertainty, I have managed a couple of local excursions. On Thursday, sons 1 and 3, son #1's gf and I, went to see Stewart Lee live.  He was on good form again and there was much laughter.  Live comedy is so good.  I think it's good to see Stewart Lee at least every year or two. Big fan. Friends are making a brief visit to the UK from Berlin and, unexpectedly on Friday, I got a message asking if I would like to meet for a coffee.  A no-brainer. I certainly did. We had a good catch-up over coffee, though the current situation here took up a lot of the time.  They wanted to visit Waitrose to buy some things they can't easily get locally and I had to pick up some stuff for dinner.  We said our goodbyes in Waitrose and I left them, like a couple of kids in a sweetshop, discovering. Disassociation Wet wipes Calm Body wash Ampules Verification My Register Certificate Sleep Restless Stuck Travel Respite Soul Plans Ambiguity Dilemm

I could write a lot today, but I am not planning to.  Why am I bothering to write at all, you may ask?  Purely because of the date.  The twenty-ninth of February only comes every four years (yes, I know there are exceptions to that rule - I have written code to deal with that in the past), when it's a leap year.  I feel, for no apparent reason, I should mark this day with some words. It's starting to look a lot like E's decline has plateaued and we (the Sue Ryder nurse, maybe GP) may well decide to change the way medication is delivered.  We'll not stop giving her medication to reduce the likelihood of seizures, nor will we stop the pain-relief medication because I think everyone that knows agrees there is no turning back from that. Respite.  That's what I need, though as yet it's not easy to arrange. Maybe that will become a possibility next week. Within the family, we've been having lots of discussions about the end and how we want it to be, and where we w

I have a lot to talk about today, though I'm not sure how to begin.  Problem solved. It's a strange time at the moment. A lot of the positive, life-enhancing things I've been enjoying are on hold. E's condition is keeping me here, apart from brief excursions for a few hours or less.  Although she's on constant pain relief and calming/anti-seizure medication, there are things going on, intermittently.  As I am the main communication medium that attempts to interpret signs that mean she is in pain or having a fit.  This is far from an exact science and comes with responsibility that is concerning. Based on my observations medication can be increased, though the decision to do so and the amount of the increase are thankfully not decisions I have to make.  Today there have been signs of discomfort and now the driver is bleeping as it appears to be blocked somewhere, though after a couple of examinations I can find no evidence of it. The nurse has been to refill the driv

After a fairly distressing few days, things seem to have settled down for E. Let me explain, if only for my own peace of mind. E has continued to be disturbed and agitated, despite a number of interventions by way of injections.  Her symptoms were still not being controlled and she was still unable to rest for more than a few minutes though she must have been fatigued after all the mini seizures etc. A Sue Ryder doctor, then the Sue Ryder nurse that 'knows' E visited on different days. As a result E is now receiving constant medication through a syringe driver.  I guess it's not an exact science but the doses of both the medications she is receiving through the driver has had to be increased.  Now, at least, she seems more settled and able to sleep. It's been a difficult process as I have had to be E's proxy, as she can't say how she is feeling. I've had to interpret the spasms and groans she's experiencing to try and understand how she is feeling. It wo

After eighteen months of stability, it's been a while since the focus of these posts has been E, though that hasn't been the case in real life, of course. This past week has been very troubling with the onset of seemingly regular small seizures.  From our perspective we've been struggling to know if E's in pain and/or suffering discomfort, but increasingly there have been signs that she is. This morning I called the District Nurses to explain my concerns.  Whilst the nurse was here, E had several mini-seizures, and the nurse saw these and validated what I've been seeing. E needed pain killer and relaxant and she seems more settled, though there are still signs of seizures even with the medication. The nurse is going to contact both the Sue Ryder nurse and the GP, so I guess we'll have to wait to see what the next steps are. Against this backdrop, life goes on, though at an elevated level of agitation. Julia Holter /  'Spinning'   / 'Something In The

Where do I begin, to tell the story of...the week so far? After a long period of no apparent change, Monday began with E having a series of seizures (as much as anyone can tell).  We called out an ambulance, even though we knew E  is not for hospital admission.  The crew arrived quickly and they concluded that E had had a larger seizure followed by a series of smaller ones.  This necessitated a call to the district nurses as we needed some of E's PC medication to be administered, after which E seemed to settle. That very lunchtime I had the first of a short series of counselling sessions, which was as draining as such sessions usually are.  We have set a goal and hopefully if we get somewhere close it might help me get my sleep back to normal. Tuesday proved equally eventful and it seems that E is getting some kind of infection. This required a GP visit (fun to arrange!) and a prescription for antibiotics.  I just managed to get back in time from collecting the meds to allow the ca

A chilled day ahead after three consecutive days out, most notably with Wednesday's day trip to Dublin. Dublin for the day - how did it go?  A very early start for Q and me as we head off for Liverpool John Lennon Airport at five-thirty in the morning.  Unusually (for me at least) we have no luggage barring a small bag that fits under the seat.  We're flying BryanAir and it's a pretty full flight, but the window seat next to me is free so I moved into it.  I was glad I did as we had some great views of the sunrise behind us over the starboard wing. We took a taxi ride to the location of Q's meeting near the Botanical Gardens and parted company there.  I started walking to the James Joyce Cultural Centre on North Great George's Street, getting there far too early for its ten-thirty opening.  Exit stage left to a nearby coffee shop. I returned just after opening time and received a warm welcome from the director of the centre whom I'd only previously 'met'

Despite some medical challenges (maybe more on that later), I'm enjoying life more and more as I get into the retirement state of mind.  There is much to do, though there are still things holding me back, things out of my control. As I write this I am in Liverpool, having just returned from a trip to the City Centre earlier. This was primarily a recce, with a bit of shopping and a coffee (and pain au chocolat) in the Bold Street Coffee shop. No daytime trip to Bold Street can miss a visit to ' News From Nowhere ', an independent bookshop that always contains something unexpected. Like me.  My being there is not that unexpected in reality, nor is the fact that I didn't leave empty-handed. The primary reason for this visit was to begin to familiarise myself with the City. How the streets hang together.  I'm working on it still, but Google maps was essential to help me find one shop, which is a little tucked away, or seems to be. Having made this introductory visit, I

Notes from the edge. The latest bulletin. Having the freedom to use your time as you wish is not as straightforward as it might seem. God knows how many years of getting up and being driven by the clock takes a lot of unlearning. I do get up later. A bit.  My thinking, however, still struggles to draw the logical conclusion.  Today, for the first time, I decided to walk before showering (there's no rush to get it done) and take my time, having breakfast nearer to ten-thirty. I still want to maximise the use of my time, but I guess I don't need to be so clock-driven. Another thing I think I'm finding (though this may take a while longer for a conclusion) is that I need to exercise my brain still. A lot.  To that end I continue to learn German,  I have the puzzle that is ' Cain's Jawbone ' to attempt, I have courses I'm doing not to mention hobby-related stuff that is quite complex. I've also started cooking more from scratch again and am making my own gin

A January date in double figures - already!   After narrowly surviving a mass DVD landslide in my office, I am in the process of selling some and giving a whole load more to whichever charity will accept them.  CDs take note! This is what happens to media that attempts to kill me, unsuccessfully.  I daren't say this too loud, as I haven't even considered the books yet. I fear they have a greater chance of success on the killing front, as opposed to DVDs and CDs, which, unless really lucky (e.g. a disc severing an artery - what are the odds?), can only expect to cause injury or maiming. I feel that this week is my first week of retirement proper, though even now I am not fully organised to enjoy.  I need to stop and spend some time thinking about what I want and what would make me happiest, apart from exacting revenge on some errant DVDs.  There's been so much to do this week and I've spent time creating the first pass at a large list of things that need doing in the sho

First post of 2024 - Happy New Year! Q and I saw the new year in with M and A in Berlin, having flown there on New Year's Eve evening.    We spent the week in Berlin, the first part at M and A's house near Gatow, then the remainder at a hotel in Central Berlin for Q's birthday.  We crammed a lot into the week, including a New Year's Day sausage party (!?!) with some of M and A's neighbours.  It was really cool to participate in typical German every day life.  Certainly not the wurst way to start the year. As for NYE, Berliners really love their fireworks. Weapons grade, I would guess.  There was literally a continual barrage for several hours, way past midnight.  Apparently people get fireworks from Poland and then combine them to make even more powerful explosions.  As you might expect serious injuries are not uncommon with people blowing their heads off. Crazy.  Given what Berlin has endured in the past it seems odd. Other highlights included a Munch exhibition at