Nine Feet Underground

Today looks a little more Spring-like - it's less cloudy, there's been some sunshine and so far, no rain. As the woman on the bread stall said earlier, it is a bit fresh though. I'm gradually switching over to wearing T-shirts, in a bid to either encourage a change in the weather or become as tough as a Geordie - whichever comes first.  There is a third option, but we'll ignore that for now. It's Syd Barrett/'Have You Got It Yet?' if you're asking. I think I will be having a quiet Saturday, apart from the usual things that Saturday entails.  It is Record Store Day today, but as I'm trying to break away from physical media, then I'm just letting it happen. I'm still not convinced about the vinyl solution, apart from the aesthetics of the sleeve. Musically, I'm heading for the High-Res saloon. This week, I have mostly been listening to the new albums by The High Llamas ('Hey Panda') and Julia Holter ('Something In The Room She M

There are a million thoughts all clamouring to escape, but it's not possible to write so many parallel thoughts and be intelligible even though it is possible to think them simultaneously. Life as a Venn diagram.  Separate parts of life coalesce into one life: the intersections overlap entirely into a single set, containing everything. Ziggy Stardust final show; Pandas; M. John Harrison; dipole centre cut at 300Mhz; walking boots; clutter/decluttering; Vinted; Logotherapy; Tom's Studio; Berlin; Bandpass filter; Phaedra; Eternity (CK); MAFSA; Some Velvet Morning; LIBSO; Friars Aylesbury; Amsterdam; ROPAL; noise annoys; Prague; stasis; Drag City; Cork; and so on. Live every day as if it is the last, in whatever way that works for you. (Make it so) The High Lamas /  'Hey Panda'   / 'Hey Panda' [[ ]]

We're well into April, but this is my first post.  Why?  Choose one from the following list: Couldn't be bothered; Abducted by aliens; Busy 'doing' life; or,  all of the above. Since my last post I've spent a few days in my adopted second home of Liverpool.  During this stay, Q and I went and saw a celebration of the songs of Lennon & McCartney called ' Come Together ', watched the film ' Wicked Little Letters ' at the Everyman cinema, and saw Say She She live at Hangar 34. That's retirement! (To be sung and crowbar-ed into 'That's Entertainment' by The Jam. Give it a go, it doesn't really fit, but if you try hard enough...) 'Come Together' was well-performed and, a times, funny, though it did play fast and loose with the facts.  In particular, I'm damn sure they implied that 'Abbey Road' was recorded AFTER 'Let It Be', which it clearly wasn't.  Not only that, but the linking segments omitted a

Another delayed post.  There is too much going on whilst I am at home to manage to stick to plans. E has definitely stabilised to the extent that I have decided, in agreement with my sons, that I am just going to go ahead and follow my plans. She is still on medication, but I don't think she's in any hurry to go anywhere, even though her quality of life is the lowest it's ever been. For the past couple of weeks, maybe more, she has slept 99% of the time.  Set against this, now that I have the time to do what I want with my time, I really need to start doing it. Last week's brief stay with Q reminded me how much better I feel when I am not 'stuck' here. I always do everything in my power to make sure my time away runs smoothly for E and for my sons.  There's one more thing I need to organise, just in case, but then I must put myself first.  This is my new approach to things. Since I last wrote here I went to the preview screening of this documentary: ' Th

I had planned to write this post yesterday, but it was a bit of a day for E and thus for me. It started first thing after E had suffered a bad night which resulted in her struggling to breathe easily.  This caused her to panic and it took an extra dose of sedative to gradually bring things under control.  First thing this morning her breathing was normal again and she was calmer. Today we have taken the first steps to reduce her daily intake of sedative but not the pain relief.  If she continues to be asleep all or the majority of the time, even with the reduction of the sedative, then this will suggest that her sleepiness is part of a process of decline. I had a lot of time to think yesterday, either whilst nurses were here (two separate visits) or whilst waiting for medication, during which time I found myself considering the nature of hell.  I came to the realisation that if it existed (which I don't think it does) it would be very different to the eternal fire than is so often

A game of two halves. Amongst all the omnipresent uncertainty, I have managed a couple of local excursions. On Thursday, sons 1 and 3, son #1's gf and I, went to see Stewart Lee live.  He was on good form again and there was much laughter.  Live comedy is so good.  I think it's good to see Stewart Lee at least every year or two. Big fan. Friends are making a brief visit to the UK from Berlin and, unexpectedly on Friday, I got a message asking if I would like to meet for a coffee.  A no-brainer. I certainly did. We had a good catch-up over coffee, though the current situation here took up a lot of the time.  They wanted to visit Waitrose to buy some things they can't easily get locally and I had to pick up some stuff for dinner.  We said our goodbyes in Waitrose and I left them, like a couple of kids in a sweetshop, discovering. Disassociation Wet wipes Calm Body wash Ampules Verification My Register Certificate Sleep Restless Stuck Travel Respite Soul Plans Ambiguity Dilemm

I could write a lot today, but I am not planning to.  Why am I bothering to write at all, you may ask?  Purely because of the date.  The twenty-ninth of February only comes every four years (yes, I know there are exceptions to that rule - I have written code to deal with that in the past), when it's a leap year.  I feel, for no apparent reason, I should mark this day with some words. It's starting to look a lot like E's decline has plateaued and we (the Sue Ryder nurse, maybe GP) may well decide to change the way medication is delivered.  We'll not stop giving her medication to reduce the likelihood of seizures, nor will we stop the pain-relief medication because I think everyone that knows agrees there is no turning back from that. Respite.  That's what I need, though as yet it's not easy to arrange. Maybe that will become a possibility next week. Within the family, we've been having lots of discussions about the end and how we want it to be, and where we w

I have a lot to talk about today, though I'm not sure how to begin.  Problem solved. It's a strange time at the moment. A lot of the positive, life-enhancing things I've been enjoying are on hold. E's condition is keeping me here, apart from brief excursions for a few hours or less.  Although she's on constant pain relief and calming/anti-seizure medication, there are things going on, intermittently.  As I am the main communication medium that attempts to interpret signs that mean she is in pain or having a fit.  This is far from an exact science and comes with responsibility that is concerning. Based on my observations medication can be increased, though the decision to do so and the amount of the increase are thankfully not decisions I have to make.  Today there have been signs of discomfort and now the driver is bleeping as it appears to be blocked somewhere, though after a couple of examinations I can find no evidence of it. The nurse has been to refill the driv

After a fairly distressing few days, things seem to have settled down for E. Let me explain, if only for my own peace of mind. E has continued to be disturbed and agitated, despite a number of interventions by way of injections.  Her symptoms were still not being controlled and she was still unable to rest for more than a few minutes though she must have been fatigued after all the mini seizures etc. A Sue Ryder doctor, then the Sue Ryder nurse that 'knows' E visited on different days. As a result E is now receiving constant medication through a syringe driver.  I guess it's not an exact science but the doses of both the medications she is receiving through the driver has had to be increased.  Now, at least, she seems more settled and able to sleep. It's been a difficult process as I have had to be E's proxy, as she can't say how she is feeling. I've had to interpret the spasms and groans she's experiencing to try and understand how she is feeling. It wo