Nine Feet Underground

Next week would have been E's birthday. Her first birthday since she died. Every day is the birthday of millions of people, living and dead. I'm wrestling with how to commemorate this day.  The date is still the day of her birth; however, she is not physically here to have her birthday celebrated. If someone is no longer here, should you celebrate their birthday? In remembering, we are commemorating.  It's not something that can be forgotten (not that I want to), not this close to her death, but perhaps it's about how I and our sons and her brother feel inside. For me, it feels wrong to celebrate the day, especially now. As her illness progressed, each birthday had less and less to celebrate. We always marked the day. More or less, even though it became impossible to do the things we would have done, since E couldn't leave the house. I have spoken to my sons about this upcoming date to see if they would like to do something special to mark the occasion.  So far, th...

The longer things stay the same, the more it seems that's the way they'll stay. No longer? Ever since returning from hospital some three years ago, and her brush with death whilst there, E's illness has followed a familiar and consistent pattern. Brief intense periods of illness (infections, seizures, that sort of thing) followed by longer periods of slow, continuous decline. Latterly she's been experiencing other symptoms, most especially bouts of pain of unknown origin.  When she's been in pain, it's often been associated with mild seizures which pass in a minute or two, with help. E is in an end-of-life care period during which comfort is the priority, which can throw up unexpected challenges. Her pain medication has been increased, but she still experiences pain at times. It's a bit of a challenge. On the one hand, we don't want her to be in pain, on the other it's hard to know how long the pain will last and we don't want to rush in and give...

Christmas is over for another year, and what a fabulous Christmas it was.  We all (me, Q, sons 1, 2 and 3, with guest appearances from E's brother, his wife and Q's daughter at different points) spent a week away in North Wales at a wonderful large house on on hillside, overlooking the sea. Lots of festive fun, food and films ('Man Up', 'Click and Collect') with wonderful company. It was so good to be away, for the first time in a long while.  E was being looked after by one of the carers, who stayed with her each night, so she wasn't alone.  It a big deal to do this, but I think I and the boys (young men) benefitted from the break/respite, even if it did unleash the inner adolescent at times. Q and I are about to head off to Berlin for a week now. An opportunity to spend time with a good friend and his wife, a chance for Q to meet more of my friends, and also a chance for us to celebrate her birthday out of the country. It all seems a bit hectic, but this c...

Whatever happened to Thursday's blog post? You may well ask, or perhaps you haven't noticed and/or don't give a monkey's? Either way, this omission marks a change of approach to the blog. I've decided that for me at least, the blog has become a bit dull. Feeling that I have to write something regardless of whether there's anything worth saying and also holding myself to the expectation that I write every day, no longer suits the way my life is changing. So, henceforth I am not necessarily going to post every day, which will hopefully result in more interesting (??) posts. There may even be a shift in emphasis, that's something I'm mulling over. Friday started well and ended with a trip to Speke to watch 'Barbie' preceded by dinner at Nando's.  What did I think of the film? It's not going to enter my list of favourite films of all time, however, it was funny and I enjoyed it, in spite of the dance numbers.  I liked the opening 2001 spoof, ...

Mayday! Mayday!  That's enough of that. Perhaps the weather will start to improve in line with the date. Yesterday I contacted friends in the 'Caversham Critics' book club about attending this evening's meeting as my being down south coincides. I haven't read the book to be discussed tonight, but thought it would be good to catch up with old friends.  Fatal mistake. Overnight I have been informed that son #2 and his gf are off to Paris tomorrow and potentially won't see his gf before she returns to Costa Rica. So, I apologise and cancel my attendance, and arrange a meal out with my son and his gf instead. It's been a disrupted day which has meant that though I have spent time on most of the things I wanted to do, but finished none of them. I particularly wanted to finish 'Oxen of The Sun', but had trouble finding space to concentrate. I watched more of 'Gonzo...' over lunch and made some progress in my efforts to restart a hobby that's be...

I'm off to Liverpool today! Yay! Before I can go, though, I must finish packing, check E's supplies, make sure the carers know where I'll be (and all that goes with that), and make sure sons 1 and 2 are sorted and there are no outstanding questions. At around 10:30 a.m. I'm ready to hit the road (jack, though I will be coming back).  I will make a detour via the shops to post a poo sample (bowel cancer test, not hate mail, just to be clear), and buy some food and a coffee (all of which are cheaper than on the motorway).   In the supermarket, I was ambushed by a Snickers bar, so I added that to my basket too. I've arrived in L'pool, after a brief natural break. After unloading, I watch two more episodes of 'Happy Valley', series 2.  I'm not good at binge-watching (I always feel guilty about watching TV and feel I should be using my time better) and so stop at this point and read more of 'Ulysses'. Q and her daughter arrive home together and th...

Started the day in Liverpool with Q and her mum. It's a bright, bright, sunshine-y day and so we're off out. Q drove us to a village just outside Southport, where we had an excellent dinner.  Inexplicably, I ended up having a starter, wine and a dessert. I don't know what possessed me, but, hey, you just have to go with the flow. We decided to drive back through the city rather than using the motorways, which was a trip down memory lane for me taking in Crosby and other familiar places including the docks.  Earlier we'd toured Formby, which completed the set. We were all full when we returned home, so we had a light snack of bread, cheese and meat. In amongst eating and conversation Q and I planned a pre-Christmas break in Dublin, one of my favourite cities (I wonder why?) in Europe. We didn't watch any TV, instead, we chatted, and, some might say, unusually, I didn't do most of the talking. Le fin. Todd Rundgren / 'Real Man' / 'Initiation' [[The...

Getting up this morning was a struggle, but nevertheless, get up we did. Q's off to work and I'm going to have a lazy day of this and that, mainly reading, writing, talking and listening. Foolishly I forgot to cancel the cleaner's visit this week and she arrived only to find I wasn't there and cleaning was not possible.  Distractions and jinxes.  I apologised profusely and will pay her extra next week. At times, left to my own devices, I sometimes feel like a divided person, one foot on each side of an emotional equator. Over lunch, I watched a documentary on FAC51/The Hacienda, the legendary Manchester nightclub in the 1980s and 1990s. Some great early footage of Madonna, Joy Division and The Smiths. Time for meditation! Son #2 is going for an MRI scan this afternoon, and this is on my mind, even though he'll not get the results today. Having been present in the room (with ear defenders) when E had the one that led to her MS diagnosis, I know how unpleasant MRI sca...

Remember, remember, the 5th November... Got up early to finish packing and head for Liverpool. My back started playing up again a few days ago so as a precaution I've got a heat pad on my lower back to make the drive easier. I arrive in Liverpool just before midday, after only one stop en route to stretch my legs (and back), grab a coffee and answer the call of nature (whatever that means!) My back is stiff when I arrive but feeling pretty good, all in all.  These heat pads seem effective, so I'll use them again, at least until it gets better. After a nice lunch, it's time to do the most sensible thing for someone with a bad back.  Helping Q shift stuff and pack it before it goes into storage on Monday.  Before you suggest that I am deranged, I was cautious to only move light things and empty things.  At the first sign of any increase in pain, I took a break.  [Late Update] I almost forgot we took a trip...to the tip, and came home by way of dropping o...

This is not the Saturday you are looking for.  I've got shopping to do, both for food, a card for E's birthday in a couple of weeks and a couple of DIY items. Naturally, I visited the bread stall in the market and had a chat. Apparently, last week they had almond and chocolate croissants (combined) and they were very nice. I said I'd like to try one, so they're ordering more for next week, though I did say I might not be there. They said  that's fine, we'll eat them, as they did the last batch! Got all my chores underway before a good friend dropped in to see E and have a chat. I haven't seen her for a long, not since before covid, and see we ended up chatting for a couple of hours or so.  It was good to catch up and she was looking well. I think E enjoyed seeing her, as much as anyone can tell. Another highlight of the day was the arrival of a copy of Jarvis Cocker's book 'Good Pop, Bad Pop', signed for me by the man himself at the Idler Festiva...

As yesterday, Q is at work, however, I am too, it being a Tuesday, the main difference is that I'm working in Liverpool. I've taken over Q's dining room table and it's now become the operations hub 😂😂 After my first work call of the day, I discover that my copy of 'In Perfect Harmony' by Will Hodgkinson, as I succumbed to buying it after reading a lengthy extract.  I don't think he'll change my mind about most of the music, but I think the discussion of the times, especially as I was a teenager for some of it, will bring fresh insights and understanding. Can't wait. My phone rings at around 10 and it's the carers.  They have observed a slight change in E's eyes and perhaps she's a little more tired than normal. We need to watch this closely as it's often been a precursor to infection and the carers are usually the first to spot these slight changes. If the situation changes significantly and warrants my presence, then I will, of cou...

The usual sort of Friday with some added drilling thrown in for good measure. Today is also the deadline for the end of year self-assessment as part of my review process for the year, so that's going to be a priority too, but the general answer is, work, work, drilling and work. Time to head off to the dentist to be drilled. I'm back, Jack! My tooth is now drilled and filled. My cheek and lips fell like they've swollen up after an unexpected round of boxing.  I'm not supposed to eat for an hour and I'm Hank Marvin. See my moves!  If I meditate that should help. Back to work!  I've finished an submitted my self-assessment, so that's a result.  Time to finish working and start packing for tomorrow's journey north. We made a slow cooker meal, Saucy Sausages (?), and so dinner should be fairly easy tonight. The recipe says to serve with crusty bread, so that's what we've gone for. A typical evening in, watching the last episode of 'Stuck', wh...

Sooner or later it had to happen. All good things and all that. I'm back to work today and so, in the usual way, I'll not have much to say as I won't have time to play.  What's special about today, apart from returning to work after four working days away? Well, for starters our cleaner is here today instead of tomorrow, though that's pretty dull. No, correction, that's exceptionally dull. Today is Todd Rundgren's birthday and given he's a musical genius and hero, the music choice today will reflect that.  (Anyone who is deeply familiar with Todd's output will know that he does have occasional lapses and writes some awful songs - witness 'Bang The Drum All Day' as just one example - but one thing's guaranteed he has always followed his own path, not least because he's made his money from his production duties, especially an album called 'Bat Out Of Hell' (I'm not familiar with that album, but hey ho!), and thus has pretty ...

Wake up and feel worse than yesterday, chest is heavy, stomach is not quite normal, bit of a headache, but lateral flow test says 'No!'.  Yep, negative again, though I'm beginning to wonder if I'm poking the sticks up too far into my brain. Work beckons and I get stuck in early as I have a lot to do today... The word from down south is still not good and Q had a rough night's sleep, but also a negative lateral flow test.  Nevertheless it's looking like I'm neither going out tonight (I really don't want to give anyone what I've got, well, at least virus-wise) nor heading for the sea, like a homing turtle returning for whatever it is they return for... Work then proceeds to occupy my day, totally, fully and absolutely...until the final work call of the day, which morphs into a Friday chat, during which I'm asked which is my absolutely favourite album that I'd take on a 15 hour road trip...as I've said previously (see yesterday's post) t...

Doesn't look like I'll be heading south tonight.  Both Q and I have had negative lateral flow tests, but neither of us are feeling right and Q's symptoms are worse than mine, but then again I have no reason to believe I have been exposed to Covid. Nevertheless, at the very least I'm growing a nasty cold. I don't fully trust the LFTs either. Several people I know have had symptoms, with LFTs showing negative up until the fifth day of testing. I am thus wary and being very cautious (still wearing masks when out as well) - keeping clear of E as I really don't want her to get Covid.  Checking for status updates during the day, but one thing is certain Q will not be going to Friday night's gathering. Trying to work whilst feeling a little off form, but all is cool on that front. I will, after all, be attending the Idler drinks tonight with Harry Mount talking about ancient Greece. (I tend to discard it before it starts to get discoloured) I'm not sure I'm...

My plan for today is to get the final Christmas things I need to do done and then chill. We're planning to have a takeaway tonight and watch a film - I've chosen 'Pixie', which is not as seasonal as it may sound! The passed in a blur of present-wrapping, card-writing and washing - there's always washing to do! - but it is the last of the washing sons 1 and 3 brought back from uni. Sadly I also ended up entering a supermarket as the carers informed me that my wife was almost out of baby wipes plus the dudes needed more cereal, so son #3 and I braved it again, much to the amusement of one of the carers who said I'd never get through the day without going to the shops for something I'd forgotten. I've also found time for conversations with a friend - I can always find time for that - and also a brief Signal catch-up with another friend in Berlin. The chosen takeaway was some spicy Asian food from Big B's Wok (B for bollocks? Bastard? Barry?  Baldy? Who ...

An extraordinary Saturday ahead, but one which begins like most others with a trip to the shops. All the usual stuff to cram into a shortened day before I head off to a gig on the south coast and an overnight stay at a friend's house. Just after 2 p.m. I head off for my trip down south... [Everything that follows has been written two days later] After a very tasty but unexpectedly spicy Bangladeshi fish curry (the phrase 'slightly spicy' sounds so tame, it can't possibly be a problem, can it?  The eating of it, however, is a reminder of the inherent ambiguity of the English language, because, as I soon discover, one woman's (or man's for that matter) slightly spicy is another's extremely spicy, and so it was for me - thank God for the bottomless (non-alcoholic I hasten to add) drinks) we headed hot foot (and stomach) to the gig. The gig was an enjoyable occasion, despite the band being one I'd never heard before, playing in a genre I have an uncertain re...

It's a long way till dawn And you've got to get warm 'Cause you're shivering deeply inside So you turn on the light Try to burn up the night But your spirit has run off to hide Work dominates again, in fact I can think of barely any thought that isn't work-related, though there must have been some... I need to pay the deposit on son #1's student flat at the Birmingham University: that fact has registered in my consciousness, but not much else until I joined the Idler Rogues Zoom call at 6 p.m. Another fun 90 minutes or so talking about a whole range of topics, occasionally touching upon The Idler, but especially mentioning Gladstone's library/retreat in Hawarden, the weather in San Diego, the perils of staging a Harry Potter-like play in San Diego (without infringing copyright), P.G. Wodehouse, Neil Gaiman and the relative merits of books versus Kindles (other eReaders are available) and the proper way to treat books, amongst many other topics. Aren't pe...

Started today with my walk before returning to complete a letter and card I wanted to post before letting work just take over the day. After posting the letter just before nine, I returned to get stuck in to work. Work dominated the day, which was punctuated by various deliveries including my wife's regular monthly feed supplies. Mid-morning the plumber visited to investigate the shower problem.  We have an approach we're going for to get to the bottom of the problem by a process of elimination. The first is to see if the tile grout may be leaking: I have some interesting tasks ahead of me at the weekend, necessitating the purchase of some tools and stuff.  The shower will be out of action again until midweek.  The plumber will return on Monday and reseal the mastic I have to remove.  Then we wait.  If that solves the problem, then bingo! If not, then plan B (the waste outflow), and if that doesn't solve it, plan C is a complete replacement of the shower enclosu...

Let's do it all again. Son #3 is off out again meeting his gf for the day, and it looks like the weather will be good for them. The weather is so good, I think I'll enjoy it by...doing the washing. All my efforts over the weekend seem to have come to naught as always. After meditation I read the papers, trying to get lost in the book reviews and other articles. Unexpectedly my phone buzzes and it's a FBM group call from a school friend in the West midlands and another in the South of France - turns out to be an accidental 'trouser-call', but a good, if brief, catch up. The South of France is cloudy and overcast and the UK is sunny - who'd've guessed? Sons 1 and 2 were obviously knocked out by their walk yesterday as it's well past 2 p.m. and I've seen neither of them yet. What can you tell about someone from a few photographs? Identikit interests, as if auto-generated. Yet everyone is so different, so individual in reality, but no one seems to know w...