Nine Feet Underground

Life has changed a lot since I last wrote here, but there's only one thing I can actually write about. About a month ago, E died after a long illness.  Although it had been expected for a long time, it still came as quite a shock.  There wasn't any warning, and the carers discovered her body in the morning. Although my three sons and I had been grieving for the loss of a mum and a wife for a long time, the finality of this was deeply upsetting. As one of my sons said, "I was just used to her being there all the time". Overall, it was a relief because E had suffered so much in the past few months. This was very unpleasant for her, obviously, but also very hard to watch and hear.  After E's death, there has been lots to do.  Last week, we had a wake/celebration of her life, which was attended by around 60 people from across her life, ranging from her childhood to friends she'd made amongst the mums who had children at school at the same time as our youngest. The...

I heard a rumour that it was Spring and that Sum(m)er is icumen in.  The weather seems determined not to fall into line.  At this rate I'll be getting my winter coat out again. Usual sort of Thursday with the exception of a visit by a nurse to change E's catheter.  There are a couple of lines, or perhaps phrases that are worming their way into my head. It's called 'The Visitor' by Carolyn Forche. In Spanish he whispers there is no time left. It is the sound of scythes arcing in wheat, the ache of some field song in Salvador. The wind along the prison, cautious as Francisco's hands on the inside, touching the walls as he walks, it is his wife's breath slipping into his cell each night while he imagines his hand to be hers.  It is a small country. There is nothing one man will not do to another. Work's done and the Idler returns tonight (cue a song).  The guest speaker is Jenn Granneman  talking about the Science of Being Sensitive. It was potentially very...

Seemingly just another Sunday when it started, though as it turns out one with a surprise, sort of, I guess, in store. Things didn't get off to that good a start when I discovered that my son, who shall remain nameless (!), forgot to clear up after dinner last night so that when I went into the kitchen before the second carer call I was disappointed to see it was  mess, FFS!  I decided to get up and dressed and then deal with it. Ate breakfast, did online food order, disappointment perhaps not unexpected, finished 'An Artist Of The Floating World', made lunch and watched a bit of a David Bowie documentary called something like 'The Last Five Years' while I ate my lunch alone - no-one else having surfaced yet. Read today's paper ('The Observer') then watched Richard Branson enter space: the technology was interesting and the footage as the craft entered space, but the bullshit surrounding it was a bad case of 'pass the sick bag, Alice', I'm af...

Generally feeling a bit rubbish. Apart from the tedious annoyance of my lower back pain, which thankfully seems to be easing, I've been increasingly suffering with another pain which I had hoped, in true male fashion, would just go away / sort itself out, but it hasn't.  I think it's been going on for three or four weeks now, so I guess it's not going away of its own accord. For some strange reason a line from Joyce's 'Ulysses' comes to mind: “Mr Leopold Bloom ate with relish the inner organs of beasts and fowls." Anyway, one of my sons is nagging me to contact the GP and, annoyingly I think I'm going to have to do so tomorrow.  It's all just pissing me off as I just want to be well and able to do everything I am able (lockdown permitting) to do, but there always seems to be something getting in my way. I ought to make the most of the day but I am severely lacking in motivation. There doesn't seem to be much point in doing anything if I'...

The working week is coming to a close: the day ahead is filled with calls and so it will be a busy day. I'm reminded that today would have been David Bowie's birthday and the weekend ahead (Sunday to be precise) marks the fifth anniversary of his death. I'm sure I'll have something to play, if not say, about that. In the meantime I have work to do and calls to attend. One of the things I really must do in 2021 is carve time out of the working day to exercise and meditate: it was so busy today I lost track of time and didn't do either, nor did I manage to go out and walk.  It doesn't help when meetings are arranged over the lunch period, nor does it help having two diaries - one that the client sees and one that my employers see; unless you keep them in sync neither sees when you are busy for the other party and so together fill the day up.  Need to sort this! It can wait until next week though as it's almost six and I've not had a break. Another thing I ...

[Monday 12th November 2018] Given the day, this song is the only possible choice. There are no words. [Blog title is a line from 'A Birthday' by Christina Rosetti]