Love, Poetry and Revolution - Tuesday 25th March 2025

After a long period of stasis, I have just completed the first step in changing our house and garden to meet the needs of us all.  The first step is converting our garden into a usable space for socialising and hosting gatherings (maybe with food if guests are lucky!)

I'm on the verge of starting a project to convert our garage into a combined music room, library, and guest bedroom. It's long been a dream of mine to have a library and a music room, and this dream is now almost a reality.  

You might ask why I didn't start this sooner? The overarching reason is that being E's carer, with all that entailed, it was almost impossible (for a long time) to muster the energy or positivity needed to make such big changes. Not only that, some of these changes would have been impossible whilst E was in her hospital bed.

Getting to the point where I could even imagine there was a future for me was a very long process involving pain, upheaval, and a lot of counselling.  I need to go back in time to the roots of this change for my own sanity and well-being.

In 2009, E was diagnosed with MS, though the consultants felt she had had it for much longer, based on the evidence of the MRI scan.  Looking back, I think her personality had begun to change before the diagnosis.

Initially, she was, apparently, largely unaffected, though gradually the fatigue she experienced got worse and this bled through into family life especially when going for long walks.  This spilt over into how our sons related to their mum and was the start of harder times for us all. I'm not going to delve into that period any deeper now as I'm not ready to do so and because this is about my journey.

E's MS progressed very rapidly from Relapsing and Remitting MS into Secondary Progressive MS such that by 2016 she was bedbound.  2016 was a tough year for us all, but it was also when I started to sow the seeds for future change.

In the summer of 2016, E was in Intensive Care and nearly died of pneumonia. It was also the summer of the fortieth-anniversary reunion of my secondary school. During that reunion, I became reacquainted with a bunch of friends whom I've been in touch with ever since.  These friends have been incredibly supportive and enriched my life immensely. 

Sadly, it wasn't all plain sailing for me from there.  E's condition worsened, and she lost almost all movement and the ability to speak.  I became increasingly socially isolated, stressed and depressed. This culminated in some very dark times in 2018, leading to me being signed off work for six months. 

Around this time in 2018, I embarked on a project that I called  'Change My Life' (at least that's the name of the folder on my PC) which covered all the aspects of my life I needed to change.

My biggest problem was loneliness. I had people around me but no really close connections, or at least none that I'd explored.  Some people are totally self-contained and can enjoy long periods in their own company.  I can enjoy 'me' time, but only when it's a choice as opposed to the only option on offer. 

Through counselling I found ways of increasing my circle of friends, taking up yoga and joining a book group as I am an avid reader. I also learnt mindful meditation, which was a big help and also found me another group of friends.

This was all great and got me on the right path, but most of all, I needed to meet someone special to form a closer, romantic relationship. I was encouraged to start online dating. This was mostly a nightmare, particularly for an older person.  The dating rules have all changed and mostly it was very superficial.  At first, it was like being let loose in a sweet shop, being able to choose whatever gaudy and unhealthy sweets caught your eye. A real opportunity to learn more about yourself. I found lunatics, catfish, scammers, exhibitionists and more.  I did meet some friendly people, but no one with whom the feelings went beyond friendship. One way or the other.

I was making good progress with my life, and out of the blue, when I'd pretty much given up on online dating, I met Q after COVID, and my life started to become a whole lot better. With Q's help and the encouragement of others, I have found myself and have been able to start the big changes that need to be made to our house, many of which E would have loved.

'Change My Life' is an ever-evolving project, and there are more changes I need to make,  but it's a lifelong project, so this is the way it should be.

Today is a big day on the road to change:  the garage is being cleared enabling the building works to begin.  A life lesson: don't keep stuff you don't have a need for.

Take this kiss upon the brow!

And, in parting from you now,

Thus much let me avow —

You are not wrong, who deem

That my days have been a dream;

Yet if hope has flown away

In a night, or in a day,

In a vision, or in none,

Is it therefore the less gone? 

All that we see or seem

Is but a dream within a dream.

 

I stand amid the roar

Of a surf-tormented shore,

And I hold within my hand

Grains of the golden sand —

How few! yet how they creep

Through my fingers to the deep,

While I weep — while I weep!

O God! Can I not grasp

Them with a tighter clasp?

O God! can I not save

One from the pitiless wave?

Is all that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?

Propaganda /  'Dream Within A Dream'  / 'A Secret Wish'

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