Nine Feet Underground

I'm back again. My head is still not back to the state which I call normality.  I'm still getting headaches daily.  I'm not sure if it's the bang on my head or SSRI withdrawal or a toxic combination of both.  Next week, I may get a chance to be investigated by my GP, if nothing has changed. In the meantime, I am competing for the record of becoming the largest consumer of paracetamol and ibuprofen. It's not ideal, but there have to be positives. Life goes on, as it must and I've a few big topics on my mind, aside from the above.  Planning for the future and deciding what that will look like is one of these topics. Thankfully, this one takes two to plan and Q and I have had several conversations as we discern a plan emerging from the fog of possibilities. Working out the layout of my new library/music room is another consideration.  The sofa-bed has been delivered and looks good. Sofa-r, so good.  Having the sofa in place calls into question where every...

M'aider! m'aider! m'aider! (The above only fully makes sense on the 1st May, however, for reasons that will unfold below, a post on the first was not possible.) I was feeling positive and optimistic on the 30th April and in this euphoric state managed to hit my head very hard on a metal bar of my new shed.   I've hit my head on many occasions, so I never consider it to be a big deal.  This bit of headbanging was different.  I developed a powerful headache and started feeling nauseous.  Son #1 went through the checklist of things of serious concern, and I didn't really tick any of the boxes. Off to bed after taking some painkillers.  At 4am on May Day, I woke with a helluva headache and feeling distinctly unwell.  I woke son #1 up and we got a taxi to A&E.  Turns out I don't have any obvious signs of brain damage but do have a concussion.  The solution: painkillers and rest.  No caffeine. No alcohol.  No driving. No screen time. ...

T.S. Eliot's poem 'The Waste Land' opens with the line 'April is the cruellest month...', a line with deep meaning in context, contrasting as it does, the renewal and rebirth associated with Spring set against new life emerging from grief and loss.  This seems very appropriate, and April has been a busy month full of change and joy. The month began with the scattering of E's ashes in North Wales.  This was both a sad and joyous occasion, which we all took part in. Since then, I have transformed the back garden into something that E would have loved and almost completed the transformation of the garage into a music room, library and guest bedroom.  As I write, it's being painted, and the final fix items are being done. I'm not sure what E would have made of it.  Moving my books out of the main house and separating my music listening from everyone else would have been popular.  Having yet another room to myself (I have an office too), less so. Life is for ...

After a long period of stasis, I have just completed the first step in changing our house and garden to meet the needs of us all.  The first step is converting our garden into a usable space for socialising and hosting gatherings (maybe with food if guests are lucky!) I'm on the verge of starting a project to convert our garage into a combined music room, library, and guest bedroom. It's long been a dream of mine to have a library and a music room, and this dream is now almost a reality.   You might ask why I didn't start this sooner? The overarching reason is that being E's carer, with all that entailed, it was almost impossible (for a long time) to muster the energy or positivity needed to make such big changes. Not only that, some of these changes would have been impossible whilst E was in her hospital bed. Getting to the point where I could even imagine there was a future for me was a very long process involving pain, upheaval, and a lot of counselling.  I need t...

Life has changed a lot since I last wrote here, but there's only one thing I can actually write about. About a month ago, E died after a long illness.  Although it had been expected for a long time, it still came as quite a shock.  There wasn't any warning, and the carers discovered her body in the morning. Although my three sons and I had been grieving for the loss of a mum and a wife for a long time, the finality of this was deeply upsetting. As one of my sons said, "I was just used to her being there all the time". Overall, it was a relief because E had suffered so much in the past few months. This was very unpleasant for her, obviously, but also very hard to watch and hear.  After E's death, there has been lots to do.  Last week, we had a wake/celebration of her life, which was attended by around 60 people from across her life, ranging from her childhood to friends she'd made amongst the mums who had children at school at the same time as our youngest. The...

Sometimes it's hard to know what is good and what is not.  Last night (technically very early this morning) we called out the out-of-hours nursing service to attend to E.  We've had to do this several times consecutively over the past week.   With any luck, this is a sign that things are changing, which would be in everyone's best interest, not least E's.  Either way, the positive thing is that we should be moving to a situation where E gets pain relief and calming medication via a continuous feed syringe driver.  There is no telling how long this could last, so we have to develop a plan B, for the sake of E, who would ideally have access to 24-hour nursing care and for the rest of us who find witnessing E in pain to be upsetting. (Stronger words are more appropriate, but those will do) The reality of the situation is unimaginable unless you are the one or ones experiencing it.  Things must change. On other occasions, it is easy to distinguish good and...

The old year stretches out behind me and the new one beckons me. I haven't made any resolutions as I believe that you should try to improve every day and learn from things you got wrong.  Doesn't always work that way, but trying is half the battle. What I want most this year is for E's suffering to end as soon as possible. We don't even know the full extent of it, only the part of the iceberg that's out of the water. Over the past few weeks, her decline has continued apace, such that we are now keeping one eye open for signs of sepsis.  Fingers crossed it happens sooner than later. This weekend I should be off to Amsterdam with Q and her daughter (who is returning to her home there) to celebrate Q's birthday, hot on the heels of Christmas. I had a neck, head and shoulder massage at the Sue Ryder hospice yesterday which set me up nicely for New Year's Eve.  I have three more sessions to go and I can try reflexology (which I might try) and reiki which sounds l...

This post is going to be dominated by music.  I have yet to post it on Substack or my music-only blog, for reasons that may become apparent.  I've been to the last concert I'll be attending this year, though I have at least two to look forward to next year - one with Q and one without. My three standout gigs were, The High Llamas, Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds and Michael Head and the Red Elastic Band. Nick Mason's Saucerful of Secrets were excellent too, but I mark them down a little because Nick's the only original member of the band the songs were first recorded by.  This is probably a bit snooty of me, given the gig was so good and they have almost made those songs their own.    I just can't help thinking of Syd, who they were also honouring. I'm going to see The High Llamas in 2025, so I'll save my thoughts until I've see them again. Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. What an amazing performance.  One of the top five gigs I've ever attended and Nick is ...

As things progress for E, the level of stress we are all experiencing has increased. Stress tends to creep up on you unnoticed until it overwhelms you.   Often, it takes someone else to spot the signs of increasing stress. It's getting to the level where I need to take action for my own sanity. My sons are also stuck and struggling to move on with their lives, which is not something E would ever have wanted.  There are some changes which we've been resisting but which I now must consider. It's not ideal, but when E came out of the hospital some two years ago the prognosis was not good and it seemed that, for such a short time, it would be best for E to spend her remaining days at home.  Two years later the downside of that decision is painfully clear.  After the next palliative care visit, at which I'll discuss all the above, I will begin to set the wheels in motion to change things. It will probably take a while, and given how E has been lately, it may nev...

For about a week, maybe more, I've had a cold.  It's one of those colds that refuses to go quickly. I have shared it widely, unintentionally, though of course, I may not be the source of all the colds, there are so many about. I'm not here to write about my cold, though. It's a lead-in to something more pernicious. Accompanying the cold, especially as it slowly fades, I've had a bad headache. Initially, I thought it was cold-related, but I've come to believe it's a physical manifestation of stress - a topic that opens a crate of cans of worms. The stress I'm experiencing is probably the result of several things I'm anxious about. I had considered listing the things I thought were at the root of it, and then deciding whether they belong in the category of things I can control or cannot control. Instead, I've decided to dig deeper and write about it in the hope that writing it down helps control it and maybe it helps more widely.  I've always b...