Empty

Empty

Sometimes I just feel like my insides have been ripped out. There is a fucking great big gaping hole at the centre of me. There is a bottomless ache, but none of my vital organs are gone. My heart, my lungs, my stomach, all that machinery that turns food into energy, into every fucking day of being alive, that’s still there. Endlessly, ceaselessly allowing another day to dawn. And another. And another. And another. On and on and on. Never stopping. Never filling the void.




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular Posts

Love, Poetry and Revolution - Wednesday 1st January 2025

Image
The old year stretches out behind me and the new one beckons me. I haven't made any resolutions as I believe that you should try to improve every day and learn from things you got wrong.  Doesn't always work that way, but trying is half the battle. What I want most this year is for E's suffering to end as soon as possible. We don't even know the full extent of it, only the part of the iceberg that's out of the water. Over the past few weeks, her decline has continued apace, such that we are now keeping one eye open for signs of sepsis.  Fingers crossed it happens sooner than later. This weekend I should be off to Amsterdam with Q and her daughter (who is returning to her home there) to celebrate Q's birthday, hot on the heels of Christmas. I had a neck, head and shoulder massage at the Sue Ryder hospice yesterday which set me up nicely for New Year's Eve.  I have three more sessions to go and I can try reflexology (which I might try) and reiki which sounds l...
Read more

'My youth is spent and yet I am not old'

Image
[Saturday 27th October 2018] A day spent in the service of the refreshing the mind and body and, in contrast, also in thrall to consumerism. I relish the contradiction but also recognise the one which is most important. After spending much of the day in the company of people in silent mediation (with a lot of conversation before and after) the evening was spent alone, which was a challenge. The song, 'Rise', is both melancholy and, at the same time, uplifting and most appropriately is from the album 'Lost Souls'. That says more than I can say. [There are two videos here - the original music video which appeals to me for various reasons (but has dropouts and ends abruptly - you have been warned) and a single image with the music so as not to be distracted by the flaws in the recording or by someone else's view of the song ('cos after all, all songs belong to us individually and their meaning is personal to us).] [Blog title is a li...
Read more

Love, Poetry and Revolution - Tuesday 21st January 2024

Image
Sometimes it's hard to know what is good and what is not.  Last night (technically very early this morning) we called out the out-of-hours nursing service to attend to E.  We've had to do this several times consecutively over the past week.   With any luck, this is a sign that things are changing, which would be in everyone's best interest, not least E's.  Either way, the positive thing is that we should be moving to a situation where E gets pain relief and calming medication via a continuous feed syringe driver.  There is no telling how long this could last, so we have to develop a plan B, for the sake of E, who would ideally have access to 24-hour nursing care and for the rest of us who find witnessing E in pain to be upsetting. (Stronger words are more appropriate, but those will do) The reality of the situation is unimaginable unless you are the one or ones experiencing it.  Things must change. On other occasions, it is easy to distinguish good and...
Read more

World Shut Your Mouth

Image
A lot of people seem to go to gigs to hear the headline act, but nothing more (not to mention those who don't seem to go to hear the music at all?)  I'm  always keen to hear the support, especially if I've never heard of them as you never know what you'll find. And so I found myself at the front of the stage in SUB89 waiting for Tom Hickox to take to the stage. Never heard of him or heard anything by him, so looking forward to hear what he does. As the hour of 8pm arrived, he took to the stage and seated himself behind a large electric piano, joined by Sam Grimley on various guitars. From his opening number, I was struck by his voice - he really has presence on stage. For the first song or two I just thought, 'yeah, he sounds OK, but...', and wasn't really drawn in. A couple of songs had great stories behind them, and his spoken intros to 'The Lisbon Maru' and 'The Dubbing Artist' were intriguing.  The song that really land...
Read more

Lockdown Diary - Saturday 28th March 2020

Image
Been shopping for the first time since last weekend and only the second time I've been out in a week - went for a run on Monday.  Despite good intentions, work has kept me so busy during the days that I've not even managed to squeeze in a walk the rest of the week: by the time I've stopped work it's been getting dark and, to my shame, I couldn't be arsed. Next week, I've promised myself I'll do better. Gonna put something in my work Outlook calendar each day so I do some walking. (I have been exercising every day though: press-ups and weights which is better than nowt, I guess) Did my first Zoom-hosted Yoga class on Thursday evening, which was an experiment by our Yoga teacher.  It was successful, though very odd to be adopting the tree pose in the living room while watching it on the laptop.  This is going to start in earnest next week, so it'll be back to Yoga at 10am on Monday, except no need to leave the house first. Zoom is fast becoming th...
Read more