Empty

Empty

Sometimes I just feel like my insides have been ripped out. There is a fucking great big gaping hole at the centre of me. There is a bottomless ache, but none of my vital organs are gone. My heart, my lungs, my stomach, all that machinery that turns food into energy, into every fucking day of being alive, that’s still there. Endlessly, ceaselessly allowing another day to dawn. And another. And another. And another. On and on and on. Never stopping. Never filling the void.




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular Posts

Love, Poetry and Revolution - Tuesday 7th October 2025

Image
I have been swimming deeply in the sea of life, often miles from land, and there hasn't been space to write. Have you ever tried writing whilst immersed in the sea? Much has been going on externally and internally. Getting engaged to Q in July has necessitated some early planning, starting with where and when we'll be getting married.  We have a date and a location.  Based on the date of the wedding we've booked a venue for the party.  These two dates being agreed upon, we've sent out initial invitations: this is especially important for most of Q's family as they will be travelling from a land down under, namely Australia. Most of August was taken up with this planning, mentally if not physically. As wedding-related activities have started to crystallise, I have begun to realise that everything has been leading towards the big day next year. Destiny. I've also found it hard to write here for a couple of different reasons. A bee flew into my bonnet and took up r...
Read more

Love, Poetry and Revolution - Thursday 17th October 2024

Image
The longer things stay the same, the more it seems that's the way they'll stay. No longer? Ever since returning from hospital some three years ago, and her brush with death whilst there, E's illness has followed a familiar and consistent pattern. Brief intense periods of illness (infections, seizures, that sort of thing) followed by longer periods of slow, continuous decline. Latterly she's been experiencing other symptoms, most especially bouts of pain of unknown origin.  When she's been in pain, it's often been associated with mild seizures which pass in a minute or two, with help. E is in an end-of-life care period during which comfort is the priority, which can throw up unexpected challenges. Her pain medication has been increased, but she still experiences pain at times. It's a bit of a challenge. On the one hand, we don't want her to be in pain, on the other it's hard to know how long the pain will last and we don't want to rush in and give...
Read more

Lockdown Diary - Tuesday 13th October 2020

Image
Back to work! There are a whole host of deliveries due today, from feed supplies for my wife, a book for my son at uni and birthday presents for the twins. I'm also due at the GP surgery for a flu jab at 11:16 precisely! Not only that but 'our' electrician is coming to replace the two extractor fans in the bathrooms: the one in the en-suite is dead and, given both are over 27 years old, I thought it best to replace that one before it dies too. I'm hoping there's not too much non-electrical work to do, as he's not  big fan (!) of that. The electrician arrived at around 9:30, just after the morning carers started their tasks, so it was all a bit hectic with coming and goings through the front door whilst the carers were washing my wife's hair in bed. My wife's bedroom is directly opposite the front door and the bathroom they use is by the door, so it was all a little fraught 'til the electrician had got all his tools and stuff in. I returned to work wh...
Read more

I’ve forgotten more than I remember….

Image
…which is probably just as well. Apropos of absolutely nothing, some random misfiring of synapses prompted me to give another airing to “Hermit of Mink Hollow”, Todd Rundgren’s first 100% solo album on which he plays all the instruments and sings all the vocals (1972's "Something/Anything?" fails to qualify as his first 100% solo effort because one of the 4 sides is a live-studio effort featuring assorted musicians and backing singers.) The album was released in 1978 and is named after a valley near Woodstock, New York, where Todd set up a recording studio and recorded this album. Like all of Todd’s solo albums post-1973’s“Todd” double album, there are a couple of seriously duff tracks but in spite of that it’s probably the most consistently good album he’s recorded after the creative peak of the early 1970’s.    The album – at least in its vinyl form – was split into “The Easy Side” and the “The Difficult Side” – though I can’t decide if that’s a joke: tracks on ...
Read more

Tales From The Crypt - Wednesday 16th February 2022

Image
As a consequence of yesterday's funeral, today is the first working day of this week. I'm still dogged by the headaches that have been plaguing me for several weeks now and have decided to take action, as in action beyond just taking pain killers like sweets. I'm thinking the pain may relate to my sinuses, so I'm taking NHS advice on how to relieve sinus pain/possible infections.  I'll try that until Thursday and if it doesn't work, I'll have to go and see a doctor because it is driving me insane (in the membrane!) Work will dominate the day, so this'll be another of those legendary not-much-to-say-days. Son #1 was supposed to be going back to Birmingham uni today but as the day wore on I felt he was leaving it a bit late and suggested he stay and we'd get additional dinner. He agreed, especially given I suggested pizza from Dominos, and that's what happened. Bin night, but so windy I decided not to put the recycling shizz out until tomorrow morn...
Read more