Love, Poetry and Revolution - Wednesday 21st August 2024

Our actions and decisions can look very different through another person's lens.

There are a few 'undeniable' truths, though.

We only have a finite, but unknown, length of time here.

It is better to regret something you have done than something you didn't do, but wished you had.

The past cannot be changed.  You can change how you view it and learn from it.

You can choose how you respond to adversity, though that is far easier to say than to do.

Don't be judgmental without knowing the whole story. 

That's enough truths, though I'm sure I could go on.  (I usually do)

After ten years of putting other people first, I realised I needed to 'put my oxygen mask on first'. That's not to say I haven't continued to care for others, especially E. My priority is to ensure she is loved, safe, well looked after and comfortable.

My life has expanded greatly in the last two or three years, thanks to meeting Q and becoming part of a bigger family.  As I've made steps along this journey, I've shared what I've been doing with many of those closest to E (her dad, her brother, and her friends), in part to ensure I didn't upset them and in the hope they would be happy about what I've done in the past and what I'm doing now.  None of them had any qualms about it.

In all of this, I have wrestled with my conscience.  What happened wasn't part of the plan. Only through a lot of counselling sessions have I come to terms with my conscience, even when I could see the sense of the path I was taking (see undeniable truths).  I like to think that E would be pleased that I have found happiness.

Alongside these changes, I have been as honest with E as kindness allows, but her lack of communication makes it hard to do this.  Six years ago E had a psychological assessment, at a time when she could still verbalise.  The assessment concluded that she was unable to think logically or systematically or to separate reality from things she heard or saw on television. It also suggested she was losing her ability to understand what she was being told. Today she can still express pain and can respond to simple requests from her carers (like 'please lift your head a little') and can also resist things she doesn't want to do.  What she understands, no one knows, and all attempts to think for her are just projections of how you would feel in the same situation. Except you aren't.  I have learnt that thinking for others doesn't work because they think differently. They are not you.

I could hide what I am doing and pretend nothing's changed, but that would be a lie and I am not prepared to live a lie.  Honesty is the best policy.

Ultimately my decisions and actions are my own and I have to live with them. Are they right or are they wrong? Who's to say? (Walk ten years in my shoes first.)

Elvis Costello and the Attractions /  'Riot Act'  / 'Get Happy!'

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