Love, Poetry and Revolution - Thursday 17th October 2024

The longer things stay the same, the more it seems that's the way they'll stay. No longer?

Ever since returning from hospital some three years ago, and her brush with death whilst there, E's illness has followed a familiar and consistent pattern. Brief intense periods of illness (infections, seizures, that sort of thing) followed by longer periods of slow, continuous decline. Latterly she's been experiencing other symptoms, most especially bouts of pain of unknown origin.  When she's been in pain, it's often been associated with mild seizures which pass in a minute or two, with help.

E is in an end-of-life care period during which comfort is the priority, which can throw up unexpected challenges. Her pain medication has been increased, but she still experiences pain at times. It's a bit of a challenge. On the one hand, we don't want her to be in pain, on the other it's hard to know how long the pain will last and we don't want to rush in and give her additional medicine, unnecessarily.  

From the outside, given E cannot tell us what she's experiencing other than through cries of pain, it seems that she's entering a new phase. One which I hope, in the nicest possible way, won't last too long. Hearing someone you love cry out in pain is hard to bear. God forbid the periods of pain don't get longer, or that by that time she's on pain relief etc through a syringe driver.

As several healthcare professionals have told me, because E is fed through a pump she is kept alive, whether she has lost her appetite or not. She's like a car engine constantly fed fuel, keeping going until something breaks catastrophically.  Under different circumstances, it could have been so different.

Life is a juggling act, for all of us, but the only certainty we cling to is avoiding suffering.

“You must go on. I can't go on. I'll go on.” (Samuel Beckett)

Todd Rundgren /  'Love Of The Common Man'  / 'Faithful'

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