Joy Inside My Tears (Four Days to Go)

"I feel that lasting moments are coming far and few between"

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Love, Poetry and Revolution - Thursday 29th February 2024

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I could write a lot today, but I am not planning to.  Why am I bothering to write at all, you may ask?  Purely because of the date.  The twenty-ninth of February only comes every four years (yes, I know there are exceptions to that rule - I have written code to deal with that in the past), when it's a leap year.  I feel, for no apparent reason, I should mark this day with some words. It's starting to look a lot like E's decline has plateaued and we (the Sue Ryder nurse, maybe GP) may well decide to change the way medication is delivered.  We'll not stop giving her medication to reduce the likelihood of seizures, nor will we stop the pain-relief medication because I think everyone that knows agrees there is no turning back from that. Respite.  That's what I need, though as yet it's not easy to arrange. Maybe that will become a possibility next week. Within the family, we've been having lots of discussions about the end and how we want it to be, and where we ...
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Love, Poetry and Revolution - Tuesday 25th March 2025

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After a long period of stasis, I have just completed the first step in changing our house and garden to meet the needs of us all.  The first step is converting our garden into a usable space for socialising and hosting gatherings (maybe with food if guests are lucky!) I'm on the verge of starting a project to convert our garage into a combined music room, library, and guest bedroom. It's long been a dream of mine to have a library and a music room, and this dream is now almost a reality.   You might ask why I didn't start this sooner? The overarching reason is that being E's carer, with all that entailed, it was almost impossible (for a long time) to muster the energy or positivity needed to make such big changes. Not only that, some of these changes would have been impossible whilst E was in her hospital bed. Getting to the point where I could even imagine there was a future for me was a very long process involving pain, upheaval, and a lot of counselling.  I need t...
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Confessions...

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...of a Romance Novelist is not an album title guaranteed to appeal to me -conjuring up images of Barbara Cartland and Mills and Boon.  Don't panic though, it's an avowedly literary album but - certainly as far as many of the reviewers have commented - from a more feminist stance than you might associate with the above. The literary theme is maintained throughout the album and its cover: the booklet is laid out in the form of a book; every track has an epigraph quoting from a novelist, poet or artist; the lyrics come with a reading list (two pages including Georges Bataille, Roland Barthes, Barbara Cartland (FFS!), Carl Jung and Susan Sontag to name but a few); and the back cover has the song titles in the form of a stack of paperbacks with recognisable publishing house styles. A very coherent theme. The artist name also bothered me - The Anchoress - what does it mean? Does it mean anything?  Given all of the above, it clearly must and a little research shows th...
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Days

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You'd think that after two, maybe three, years of coming to terms with how life has changed and how it can never go back to the way it was, allied with the various health service interventions there have been along the way, I might have actually got things straight in my head. Except that that is not how it is.  Each day I feel like I am poised on a knife edge. Poised above an ever-present emptiness. I believe there is a cure for that hollowed-out feeling. Day to day there are distractions that keep me away from the ache at the centre. Some are longer-lived. Some fleeting. Always, when I least expect it, that feeling pulls at me, reminding me of what I've lost, what I might have had and what I can't seem to find. It is the wild fluctuations of mood that catch me by surprise. The prevailing mood seems to be low. It's always round the corner. I bump into it when I least expect it. Then it's here to stay. Until the next thing. Or until I sleep. [IWJCTD] In the ...
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Dreadzone at SUB89 in Reading Friday 7th April 2017

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Back to SUB89 and also to Dreadzone after a semi-enforced break, on a Friday night and accompanied by my sons - "Dreadzone virgins" in the words of MC Spee: sounds like the setting for a great night out... ...and so it proved to be! There was no support act though Greg Dread (Greg Roberts, drummer) played a DJ set prior to Dreadzone taking to the stage - a gentle warm up for what was to follow.  The band took to the stage to cheers and applause and launched straight into 'Rootsman' from the new album, a great reggae-based opener that led neatly into MC Spee's intro for 'Return of the Dread' - and already the "bouncing crew" was in full sway. Dreadzone are a joyous band live - it's impossible not to dance - and I for one had a grin from ear to ear whilst dancing for the entire two hour set. There was a good mix of old and new songs though a definite bias towards their most "successful" album, Second Light. S...
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