Joy Inside My Tears (Four Days to Go)

"I feel that lasting moments are coming far and few between"

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Love, Poetry and Revolution - Wednesday 5th March 2025

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Life has changed a lot since I last wrote here, but there's only one thing I can actually write about. About a month ago, E died after a long illness.  Although it had been expected for a long time, it still came as quite a shock.  There wasn't any warning, and the carers discovered her body in the morning. Although my three sons and I had been grieving for the loss of a mum and a wife for a long time, the finality of this was deeply upsetting. As one of my sons said, "I was just used to her being there all the time". Overall, it was a relief because E had suffered so much in the past few months. This was very unpleasant for her, obviously, but also very hard to watch and hear.  After E's death, there has been lots to do.  Last week, we had a wake/celebration of her life, which was attended by around 60 people from across her life, ranging from her childhood to friends she'd made amongst the mums who had children at school at the same time as our youngest. The...
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Love, Poetry and Revolution -Thursday 24th August 2023

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It's been a while since my last post, longer than I anticipated when I decided I didn't need to post daily. Since then, which was a little over a week ago, a lot has happened though quite a lot of it can't appear here. Work has been especially busy as my work on the project is coming to an end.  Unusually, design uncertainties are increasing rather than decreasing as things wind down, which means I am doubly busy with new stuff as well as trying to ensure I wrap up and tidy all my documentation. There's been lots of monitoring activity keeping me busy while I get to grips with the joys of SDR.  It's opened up a world of possibilities that inevitably come with new challenges including the need for better antenna or better-sited (higher, outdoor) antenna and RF filters on top of the RF amplifiers I've also required. The antenna issues are especially challenging when I'm in Liverpool, given the 'temporary' nature of my presence.  When I'm away I thi...
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Lockdown Diary - Tuesday 22nd June 2021

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A well-deserved (?) day off from work and extension of my birthday / father's day weekend. I could get used to not working. The big challenge is to use the time well, though of course rest is a benefit in itself. I'm going out on Wednesday evening, and after a question from one of my sons at the weekend, I have resurrected a jacket I'd forgotten about. Resurrection by way of washing.  Just to cover all bases I've also ordered a new black Harrington jacket - it should arrive tomorrow ahead of my assignation, but if it doesn't I have the Oakley jacket to fall back on. Breakfast eaten, time for a call with a friend in Berlin. It's always good to catch up with him, both for a perspective on the UK from the outside and also to see how things are going Germany. Late morning, call complete,  I ripped all the albums that I received at the weekend, then tagged them ready for conversion to MP3s for use in the car.  Tedious but necessary. After lunch I watched a talk on ...
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Love, Poetry and Revolution - Tuesday 21st January 2024

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Sometimes it's hard to know what is good and what is not.  Last night (technically very early this morning) we called out the out-of-hours nursing service to attend to E.  We've had to do this several times consecutively over the past week.   With any luck, this is a sign that things are changing, which would be in everyone's best interest, not least E's.  Either way, the positive thing is that we should be moving to a situation where E gets pain relief and calming medication via a continuous feed syringe driver.  There is no telling how long this could last, so we have to develop a plan B, for the sake of E, who would ideally have access to 24-hour nursing care and for the rest of us who find witnessing E in pain to be upsetting. (Stronger words are more appropriate, but those will do) The reality of the situation is unimaginable unless you are the one or ones experiencing it.  Things must change. On other occasions, it is easy to distinguish good and...
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Lockdown Diary - Wednesday 21st April 2021

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What marks today as different from yesterday?  I'm a day older, certainly. The weather doesn't seem as bright.  In all other ways it started off the same, though. I noticed that there is more external bruising visible on my abdomen. I guess that's part of the process of my body repairing itself. Either that or someone's been kicking seven shades of shit out of me in my sleep. Another the letter. This is exciting: one of the carers yesterday said she nearly tripped on the front door mat.  It is looking rather knackered and is breaking up, so I ordered a new one which should be coming today. Just in time for the old one to be taken away by the bin men tomorrow. Successful delivery into a communications vacuum. I plan to go for a brief walk this afternoon and see how that goes. I must admit I don't feel like I'm recovering as fast as I'd expected and may well get in touch with my GP tomorrow. Early afternoon my sister called to check how I was and for a catch u...
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