Nine Feet Underground

This post is going to be dominated by music.  I have yet to post it on Substack or my music-only blog, for reasons that may become apparent.  I've been to the last concert I'll be attending this year, though I have at least two to look forward to next year - one with Q and one without. My three standout gigs were, The High Llamas, Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds and Michael Head and the Red Elastic Band. Nick Mason's Saucerful of Secrets were excellent too, but I mark them down a little because Nick's the only original member of the band the songs were first recorded by.  This is probably a bit snooty of me, given the gig was so good and they have almost made those songs their own.    I just can't help thinking of Syd, who they were also honouring. I'm going to see The High Llamas in 2025, so I'll save my thoughts until I've see them again. Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. What an amazing performance.  One of the top five gigs I've ever attended and Nick is ...

As things progress for E, the level of stress we are all experiencing has increased. Stress tends to creep up on you unnoticed until it overwhelms you.   Often, it takes someone else to spot the signs of increasing stress. It's getting to the level where I need to take action for my own sanity. My sons are also stuck and struggling to move on with their lives, which is not something E would ever have wanted.  There are some changes which we've been resisting but which I now must consider. It's not ideal, but when E came out of the hospital some two years ago the prognosis was not good and it seemed that, for such a short time, it would be best for E to spend her remaining days at home.  Two years later the downside of that decision is painfully clear.  After the next palliative care visit, at which I'll discuss all the above, I will begin to set the wheels in motion to change things. It will probably take a while, and given how E has been lately, it may nev...

For about a week, maybe more, I've had a cold.  It's one of those colds that refuses to go quickly. I have shared it widely, unintentionally, though of course, I may not be the source of all the colds, there are so many about. I'm not here to write about my cold, though. It's a lead-in to something more pernicious. Accompanying the cold, especially as it slowly fades, I've had a bad headache. Initially, I thought it was cold-related, but I've come to believe it's a physical manifestation of stress - a topic that opens a crate of cans of worms. The stress I'm experiencing is probably the result of several things I'm anxious about. I had considered listing the things I thought were at the root of it, and then deciding whether they belong in the category of things I can control or cannot control. Instead, I've decided to dig deeper and write about it in the hope that writing it down helps control it and maybe it helps more widely.  I've always b...

Not a great morning to wake up to. Unbelievable, yet true. Moving the subject several thousand miles East, all the news that's fit to print. I have a stinking cold (not COVID, I've checked) and am thus feeling rather factual, telegram-style, so this post may be short. E continues her slow decline, but at least we seem to have got her pain management under control, mostly, at least.  As one of her carers said, "...at times she's too strong for her own good." Hard as this is to see in black and white, her suffering needs to come to an end. There is no purpose or gain from its continuation. For anyone. Q and I spent an enjoyable week in Amsterdam, my first real visit to the city and country. It was great to spend time with family and friends.  We did a lot of walking, saw a lot of sights to remember and ate some wonderful food with delightful company. I would love to go again, there's so much we didn't see.  Just before heading to Amsterdam, I saw High Llamas...

The longer things stay the same, the more it seems that's the way they'll stay. No longer? Ever since returning from hospital some three years ago, and her brush with death whilst there, E's illness has followed a familiar and consistent pattern. Brief intense periods of illness (infections, seizures, that sort of thing) followed by longer periods of slow, continuous decline. Latterly she's been experiencing other symptoms, most especially bouts of pain of unknown origin.  When she's been in pain, it's often been associated with mild seizures which pass in a minute or two, with help. E is in an end-of-life care period during which comfort is the priority, which can throw up unexpected challenges. Her pain medication has been increased, but she still experiences pain at times. It's a bit of a challenge. On the one hand, we don't want her to be in pain, on the other it's hard to know how long the pain will last and we don't want to rush in and give...

We've had a busy week in Liverpool, starting with a gig in Manchester and then in Liverpool.  Let's start in Manchester.  We went to the new Co-Op Live Arena to see Crowded House.  They are at one extreme of the spectrum of music I usually enjoy, but I was going there with an open mind.  Q is a fan, and the next night we are going to a gig by someone I like, who Q has never heard of.  Back to Co-Op Live. I've got to say I wasn't impressed with the place. It's billed as having 32 restaurants, using local produce. How many does it have? None. Not a single one.  The place is still not finished. As it has no restaurants, it also has no loos unless you go inside. Which you can't do until they open up for the gig.  Manchester City to the rescue.  There are some portakabin-style loos a five to ten-minute walk from the venue. Not exactly what you imagine a fancy new-built venue to be like.  Food.  Manchester City to the rescue again.  There...

I've been doing chair yoga via an online app for 30 days. I plan to restart full-on yoga, without a chair, as soon as I feel I've regained flexibility from my previous years of yoga.  As with so many apps of the ilk, the narrator is from the United States of America.  He is serious about his instructions, but some of the oft-repeated phrases make me chuckle. I especially enjoy "...and don't forget to breathe".  So far,  so good. Another is "...hold this pose with strength and grace."  Neither of whom are present.  The last week has been busy. Q's father and stepmother are in Europe for a month or so and were in Liverpool for several days.  It was great to meet them and have a chance to get to know each other.   During the days whilst Q was at work, we visited lots of Beatles-related sites and also the Anglican cathedral, which has incredible architecture.  We visited the Beatles museum where I discovered that Paul McCartney and Pete Best...

It's taken a while to get this post going.  Sometimes it just doesn't want to flow and, whilst I think I have things to say, I can't quite find a coherent way to say it. I have also been fairly busy socially, so I write less.  Life meanders on and I try to create ripples in the stream. Son #1, his gf and I went to see the film ' Lee ' about the American model turned war correspondent Lee Miller.  Kate Winslet is in the lead role and it is excellent as Lee.  One of the really enjoyable features of the film is the way that the action recreates (fairly naturally) some of the most iconic photographs she took during the war.  I've been aware of Lee Miller for a long time, though more because of her time as Man Ray's model and muse. This film redresses that balance.  She is also fascinating to me because she was part of the seismic cultural changes that emanated from Paris in the 1920s, especially the surrealist movement.  If there's any time and place in hi...

Yoga.  Chair yoga. About three years ago I was practicing yoga twice a week.  It was perfect for me, both physically and mentally.  Life has been hectic and it became tough to fit it in. Now I'm not working, I have no such excuse.  When I transitioned from working to not, it took a long time to switch from the working mindset to one where most of the time was mine.  At least six months. Six months versus more than forty years.   I'm out of practice and have not exercised as much as I should. My weight proves that. I'm getting back into it slowly.  I'm starting with a daily programme of chair yoga exercises.  Touch wood, it's going well.  I've planned it so I don't get a cup of coffee until I've done the day's exercises. Seems to be an incentive for me.  My fitness and flexibility are still good enough to return to full-body yoga, soon.  I'll begin online with the class I used to attend, and there's a chance there may be a class...

In her later years, Mum used to say, "Don't get old", to which I'd invariably reply, "It's better than the alternative". She used to say it with conviction so I believe it's how she felt. Given her last decade was increasingly obscured by the fog of dementia, a period during which she became increasingly frightened by her inability to make sense of her surroundings, I'm unsurprised. I often wonder if this is how E feels. Locked in. Unable to communicate her feelings and wishes. The world must seem frightening and incomprehensible. Painful. Getting old is a privilege denied to many, but how much pleasure you take from each new day is determined by your quality of life and ability to affect that quality. For most people, you must get older to fully appreciate life and the benefits of being older.   Now I'm here, I want to live a lot longer. To that end, I've recognised how much I've neglected certain things over the past fifteen years, ...

A while ago, probably longer than I thought, I wanted to create a separate music blog. I started it, or at least the outline for it, but that's as far as I got. My love of and, interest in, music has not waned.  I don't have as much 'spare' time as I used to, even though I was working back then.  There is so much more to do now. Variety is the spice of life. This blog has always had a musical dimension, and it started out purely as a blog about music.  Although music has always, or at least since early childhood been a core part of my life, for a long period of E's illness it's also been a form of escape.  Not purely escape, in the sense that many song lyrics helped me to navigate, understand and work out how to respond to what was going on in our lives. Pure music writing is something I still feel the need to do, but as my life expands and grows I have to decide what are the most important things, as we all do, at some point. Prompted by the Oasis reunion - you...

September arrives before I find the time to write more in August, but last week was busy and fun, hence no time to write. E seems to be enduring a difficult phase, with many short but frequent mini-seizures. It's been going on for over a week now, and, in conjunction with the Sue Ryder nurse, it's been agreed that we increase the dose of the anti-seizure medication she takes.  The GP has agreed to it so it's just a matter of getting official word to the carers so they can enact the change, legally. It must be a living nightmare for E, being locked in, confused and experiencing pain and discomfort that we can often only guess at. I'm powerless to do anything to ease her suffering, other than by informing nurses or the doctor so they can act if they agree it's justified. Whilst I'm away the sense of relief and easing of tension that I feel is noticeable. It may seem cowardly to be away from E so often, but the stage E is at now is even more stressful than it was b...

I'm spending this week in Liverpool with Q, as she has a week's leave before getting back into the craziness of the new University term. The week being subject to the usual caveats. There are signs that things may be happening to E at home, and if the indications continue, I will have to press the Sue Ryder nurses for action. It goes without saying that if things change I will return home. Against this backdrop, we are planning several things, including Christmas.  It is hard to think about Christmas now, but we'll probably spend it in a rented property, to accommodate family. Cats.  Herding.  And a cat, maybe. Yesterday was a day of drama down south, luckily today things seem to have settled down. One achievement has been the completion of the playlist for the school reunion in September. It clocks in at 19 hours and should include something for everyone, though I have excised several personal favourites ('under orders') and concentrated on the singles charts from ...

Our actions and  decisions can look very different through another person's lens. There are a few 'undeniable' truths, though. We only have a finite, but unknown, length of time here. It is better to regret something you have done than something you didn't do, but wished you had. The past cannot be changed.  You can change how you view it and learn from it. You can choose how you respond to adversity, though that is far easier to say than to do. Don't be judgmental without knowing the whole story.  That's enough truths, though I'm sure I could go on.  (I usually do) After ten years of putting other people first, I realised I needed to 'put my oxygen mask on first'. That's not to say I haven't continued to care for others, especially E. My priority is to ensure she is loved, safe, well looked after and comfortable. My life has expanded greatly in the last two or three years, thanks to meeting Q and becoming part of a bigger family.  As I'v...