Nine Feet Underground

It's my sister's birthday! Yay! Happy birthday! I hope she has a wonderful day celebrating with her children and still feels well tomorrow 😇 Mostly a normal, old-style, Saturday though maybe a bit more chilled than in the past. Life's too short. All of us visited E in hospital in the afternoon, though for reasons of logistics and timing, son #1 visited separately, first.   E looked comfortable, but we all agreed her colour is not normal and she is not at her base level.  Son #2 summed it up well when he said, "if she was like this at home I'd call for medical help" (slight paraphrase, but that was the gist of it). She did cough a bit during the time we were there and when I felt her chest as she coughed I could feel a rattling inside.  That's probably the only concrete sign that anything is abnormal. It doesn't look like she's going anywhere in the next day or two, but who knows? The rest of the day pales into insignificance.  Let's do it agai...

I had a day off from visiting the hospital to get some order and control back in my life.  I am trying to ditch guilt and focus on myself, the boys, Q and the future.  I'm not forgetting E, of course.  I love her and care about her and how she is feeling. All that I have done and am doing proves that. It's not even that I can't deal with what E is going through, because I can. We've endured a lot together. Emotionally, though, I feel like I am in a boat with no sails or oars on the most stormy and rough sea imaginable.  I will go in and see E tomorrow. I want her to know she's not alone, though I don't know how aware she is that it's me and the boys there with her.  In all honesty for everyone's sake, I want this to come to a natural end. The feelings I've experienced for the past six years (plus) seem to be compressed into each day. It's exhausting.   Somehow I managed to distract myself for most of the day, even though I am surrounded by remind...

I started writing Wednesday's post then lost momentum. Hence another combined post.  Wednesday was a chilled day at Q's house: while she worked I caught up on the last two weeks of weekend papers.  I also listened to music on BBC Sounds in search of the lost chord. I called the hospital for an update, hoping to speak to the consultant who'd just started her round.  I was promised she'd call once she'd seen E and, as promised, she did.  The news is mixed. On the plus side, E has stabilised and is very comfortable. Set against that, no one really seems to know what's going on.  The consultant said, 'I wouldn't be surprised if she died overnight and, equally, I wouldn't be surprised if she was alive a week from now.'  Not really what I wanted to hear, but as has been the case for a long time, life doesn't follow a certain path.  Control is an illusion. Uncertainty is the only certainty. Q and I went out for an early evening Lebanese meal. The fo...

As far as I can tell, no real change with E, though I don't get to speak to the consultant today. I do manage to have a consultation with my GP and am now signed off work for the next couple of weeks.  That, at least, is a relief as I am struggling to do any of the things I'd normally do, let alone work. My powers of concentration seem to have deserted me. Stress is at an all-time high and I have gladly accepted an invitation for a two-night break on the south coast with Q.  There are other forms of temporary escape, but this one is probably better for my health than any of those.  Mid-afternoon I head south. Should anything change with E I'll head back, but for now, at least, she seems to be stable. I'll be back at the hospital before the weekend. The Smile / 'Pana-vision' / 'A Light For Attracting Attention' [[] ]

The highlight of Sunday was brunch with most of our extended family bunch - eight of us: me + Q, sons 1 to 3 and their respective gfs. Apart from the late hour - more 'unch' than 'br' - for reasons too tedious (and oft-reported) to mention, it was great fun and a distraction for all of us. Sadly, not that long after the late brunch, it was time for Q to return home.  After she left I decided to cut down some overlong vegetation at the front of the house (not a euphemism) because it needed doing and also as another distraction.  In addition, and probably more significantly, after Q left I experienced a noticeable wave of sadness and a realisation of what is happening and all that comes with it. Most kindly one of my nieces visited E today, which was really wonderful. I will be relieved when all of this is over.  It is incredibly stressful and disruptive. In the evening I went to bed exhausted. Monday was the last day that son #2's gf would be with us before returning...

I'm struggling to find a way to start this. As mentioned yesterday, I'm trying to have this weekend off.  Any guilt associated with this decision has been partially assuaged by friends and family visiting E in the palliative care ward today. Son #2 and his gf are visiting E on their way back from London, as are my kid sister and two of our friends. More friends will visit tomorrow. We are all incredibly grateful for these visits and I am glad because it means I can wait until Monday to return unless the hospital calls me to say she's deteriorating fast.  Obviously, I will go back then. Alongside the friends who are visiting E, lots of friends have been in touch and have been very supportive.  It's been a great help having so much support at this time.  Over the past two weeks, there's been a seismic shift in my thinking. For a long time, I've just thought that keeping E alive was the only goal and when I've put myself in her shoes, I've thought 'well...

The crypt is very quiet. It's more like ducks actually: serene and calm on the surface but paddling like fury below the water line. This is my first post in a few days because life has become quite difficult. Normally I write lots of irrelevant detail to add local colour and a touch of the mundane, but this post is going to be a bit more direct. It may even become list-like. The story begins on Tuesday at lunchtime.  I went to visit my wife in hospital hoping to see her consultant just to get an understanding of the direction of travel, as I've been concerned she doesn't seem to be getting any better. After masking up etc I went to see her and noticed she was now on 15 litres of oxygen an hour and yet her sats were still in the low to mid-90s. Not long after I got there the doctor asked me to step outside into a room for a chat. Based on my paltry medical knowledge and the evidence of my own eyes, I had a feeling I knew what was coming.   The cold hard facts are that E is...

Still testing COVID positive. Still feeling drained of energy and thinking power. E remains in hospital and the latest update isn't good.  I asked to speak to a doctor for an update on the situation and am told they do want to speak to me.  Whatever the outcome, I have an outpatient appointment at the hospital tomorrow and will go and see E and ask to see a doctor face to face. I need to understand where things are going, to put my mind at rest. I think I have made peace with myself and am ready to deal with the worst if that's what is coming. Son #2 departed early morning for Heathrow to meet his gf's plane. She's coming with a girlfriend from Costa Rica via Denver.  I should get to meet her (in person) at the weekend.  Today is not the best of days to be travelling into London. The day passes in the usual way, though no call from a hospital doctor comes. Until tomorrow, then, I guess. R.E.M. / 'Everybody Hurts' / 'Automatic For The People' [[This is on...

I've not been up to writing here for quite a few days now.  There have been false starts, but I've scrapped all of them.  This blog is meant to be a place where I can write the unvarnished truth, but it's been very difficult for a while, both because COVID has made me so tired, but mostly because E has been very unwell in hospital and seems slow to respond to her treatment.  After a week she remains on a very high volume of oxygen and also antibiotics.   I have visited E quite a few times and, based on what the doctors have said, I have made sure I've told her the things she needs to know and that I need to have said.  Last night I told her that if it's all getting too much for her and if there is too much pain to bear, she should let go, she has achieved so much in the short time she's had, so far. The doctors are working with the hospital palliative care team to assess the extent to which the treatment is causing her to suffer and I guess there may b...

The radio alarm clock wakes me with the sound of 'French Disko' (A.K.A 'French Disco' in some versions), the first tune on Radcliffe & Maconie today, and a rousing way to start the day.  Great tune and love the lyrics, especially: " It's said human existence is pointless As acts of rebellious solidarity Can bring sense in this world La résistance" ...and then things rapidly went downhill 1. Carers inform me E doesn't look well and is not very responsive. 2. She takes a COVID test and it's negative. 3. Nevertheless, the carers ask me to contact the out-of-hours doctor as they are concerned. 4. I speak to a doctor who arranges  for a doctor to come and check her over. 5. Doctor arrives.  Does tests. Thinks she has an infection coming on.  Starts E on antibiotics. 6. A little later I hear E coughing. It sounds bad and rapidly this changes into gurgling as if she's underwater. I get son #2 to look over as he doesn't have COVID. She's no...

Not much of a storm really, in all honesty. Let's face it, I do like to exaggerate. Recently someone actually suggested I was a bit of a drama queen! Ignoring the apparent gender anomaly, I would suggest in my defence that I do enjoy extrapolating for comic effect, but drama? Emphatically, no. (Me thinks, he protesteth too much) Not for nothing is my middle name Hyperbole.  I think I have strayed a little. I have COVID. I have avoided it for two years and just when I'm about to attend something really good IRL and meet a bunch of people I've only met over Zoom, up until now, I get it.  Let's begin at the beginning, though reading back through the previous blogs over the past week, this has been on the cards for a few days, I just didn't see it coming. Thursday morning. The carer is here and so is the cleaner. I had a lousy night and feel like I'm getting a cold.  On Wednesday night I took an LFT and it was negative.  Just to be on the safe side I decide to take ...

Another crappy night's sleep and, just to add to the excitement, I think I'm getting a cold, just in time for the Idler festival at the weekend. I've had a persistent headache for the past few days, so who knows...FFS! Whatever is happening inside me, I am going to be very busy writing a design document at work today, so I'll probably be very quiet. Turns out Q's had a lousy night's sleep too and is trying to catch up, which means we speak later than normal. In all the excitement surrounding wasps, 'Annotations...' and Covid I completely forgot to mention the joyous news that the rats are leaving the sinking cabinet.  Surely it's only a matter of time before BloJo goes? I really hope so, though the thought of any of those in the cabinet replacing him, fills me with dread too. An election seems to be the only sensible way forward, though almost as irritatingly, Starmer's pronouncements on Brexit, mean that I  am very likely to end my membership of...

Woke up after what seemed to have been a broken/disturbed night, and this feeling is confirmed by my watch. Smart, huh? Son #3 is helping out at his uni's graduation ceremony (paid work, natch), and has already left. He was meant to be there by 6:45 a.m. but the taxi firm he booked with let him down overnight, so he's taken the bus but will be late. I've offered to take him tomorrow. After the carer left and before making my breakfast, I had quick chat with Q. She's beginning to sound better, so hopefully, she is turning the tide on the virus.  This morning's shower has convinced me of one thing: there is a wasp's nest somewhere outside the window.  I need to sort it out today. First, though, work, starting the day with a team (virtual) huddle. I have four urgent tasks outside work to organise, including arranging for someone to get rid of the wasps! Success! Each phone call has resulted in the required outcome and, best of all, the man is coming to deal with th...

The weather seems OK, so it's the perfect day for...washing. What else?  I didn't do any at the weekend and knew that when the boys came home from their weekend away, there'd be more to do. Hence... Spoke to Q early on. It appears that she's got the winning card for Covid symptom bingo, pretty much the full set now.  I don't think there's a prize, though, sadly! Walked to the post box and my knee was much better this morning, a good sign, I hope.  Better carry on with the exercises the physio gave me. Probably not going to write much today, you'll be pleased to hear.   The post today contained my copy of the 'James Joyce Broadsheet' published by the School of English at Leeds University.  The front page contained a review of this book : This appears to be the definitive 'annotations', published especially for this centenary year.  I have ordered a copy, since, though expensive, it will go out of print very quickly, and then the price will go ...

I got plans, they're multiplying. Not really. I also dislike that song intensely, but that's another story that you'll be pleased to know I'll not be pursuing here. For another day, if ever.  I try not to rant about the things I don't like. Yeah, right!  I can do without the negativity at my age!! What's that phrase immortalised by Thumper (the rabbit) in 'Bambi': "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all." Shame about his Grandma, but you get the point. OK, so we've established I don't have plans, but there are a few things I'd like to do today. Not called up to appear on 'The Chain' on Radcliffe and Maconie's radio show. Never mind. Yesterday's song was 'Angel' by First Aid Kit (may appear here one day, I quite like it), so my choice was going to be 'Ambulance For One' by Microdisney, the connection being medical - first-aid to ambulance, obvs. Now I've chosen one song I...

A return to Saturdays of 'old': at home; up early for the first carer; planning to go to the shops; hoping to read the papers and generally chill. The odd thing is, I have loads of things I could do, but not a lot of motivation to do any of them. Go figure! I have books to read. I have magazines to read. I have Glastonbury to watch. Tons. Films. Albums. You name it.  I do feel tired, so maybe that's it. Spoke to Q after shopping and before the carers arrived. She is testing solidly positive for Covid and still feeling febrile.  Fingers crossed. Sending positive vibes southwards. Listening to Radcliffe & Maconie on BBC6 Music and, for the first time, I decide to take part in The Chain, which is " officially the longest-running listener-generated thematically linked sequence of musically based items on the radio". I've emailed my song suggestion in, but will I be phoned tomorrow?  Son #3 is heading up the smoke with some uni mates to attend a live Rocket Lea...

The most important question today is 'how is Q feeling?' and sadly the answer's not good. Based on her symptoms and LFT, she does have Covid.  We have a discussion about our weekend plans and it's clear I don't have any choice; I can't afford to risk catching Covid for E's sake.  I am torn, naturally, but the right thing is the right thing.  This is where everything about the situation collapses down into one single point, an ethical singularity. It's like some kind of quantum moment where both choices exist, but only one can be taken. Work is today's priority, along with my visit to the physio later. Before either of those, I have to make an urgent trip to the shops to ensure that I have dinner tonight. Returned with dinner and coffee and get stuck in. All the usual minor interruptions today until 1:30 p.m. when I take my right leg to the physio. It was accompanied by the left one and the rest of me, just to be clear. I didn't have it in a bag o...