Tales From The Crypt - Saturday 23rd July 2022

I'm struggling to find a way to start this.

As mentioned yesterday, I'm trying to have this weekend off.  Any guilt associated with this decision has been partially assuaged by friends and family visiting E in the palliative care ward today.

Son #2 and his gf are visiting E on their way back from London, as are my kid sister and two of our friends. More friends will visit tomorrow. We are all incredibly grateful for these visits and I am glad because it means I can wait until Monday to return unless the hospital calls me to say she's deteriorating fast.  Obviously, I will go back then.

Alongside the friends who are visiting E, lots of friends have been in touch and have been very supportive.  It's been a great help having so much support at this time. 

Over the past two weeks, there's been a seismic shift in my thinking. For a long time, I've just thought that keeping E alive was the only goal and when I've put myself in her shoes, I've thought 'well, obviously I want to stay alive'. Of course, I've been putting myself in her shoes, but thinking about things from my own perspective. Through conversations with the doctors and consultants, I've come to see things from a different viewpoint. It is possible, with the aid of medical science, to keep someone alive for a long time.  The question is, who is this for? It had got to the point where E was getting worse and more reliant on drugs, oxygen and medication. The question of quality of life and pain arises. I don't want E to suffer or experience pain and so I've come to realise that what she feels looking outwards does not reflect how I had felt about her situation.  I understand that now is the time to focus on her comfort and manage her pain as she slips away.  I have accepted this, but it is still hard, especially as the process has taken much longer than expected. For the sake of all of us, the process needs to come to an end soon.  It is hard in so many ways.

In the evening we all (all eight of us) went out to an Italian restaurant in town. A chance for us all to get to know one another and for us to get to know son #2's gf and welcome her into the crazy family situation. At such a difficult time for all of us, the meal was really enjoyable with lively conversation. Q is visiting for the weekend and has been so supportive of me through this time. She is my anchor.  Perhaps we should have had a meal for 9 (maybe 10?) rather than just eight and the gathering would then have been complete and even more enjoyable, just not possible tonight in reality. Another time soon, I hope.

The day comes to an end.

Dubstar / 'Stars' / 'Disgraceful'

[[4E]]