Nine Feet Underground

A few things to sort out today. After getting up my first thought was to check how my wife was doing. She is still very sleepy and so I resolve to check her temperature (which doesn't feel too bad) and oxygen saturation during the second morning carer call of the day, just to ensure I'm not missing anything. It's especially important since she's due to go to hospital tomorrow to have her PEG replaced. In amongst the care routine, which also generates another complete wash load, I manage to take her temperature, which is normal, and also check her SPO2, which is a healthy 97%, so I am as reassured as it's possible to be, given she can't tell us what's wrong, that she is OK.  No infection. No lung problems. Breathe a sigh of relief until the next time. I'm reminded that I live in a constant state of fear/worry and that every time I or the nurses check and she's OK, it's just a deferral of the inevitable, that sooner or later she will get the infect...

The usual start to a Saturday: son #2 accompanied me shopping today, which was unusually busy - had to queue for about 5 minutes before getting in. A few extra stops as I was picking up son #1's prescription from Boots and I wanted to pick up a music mag year end review from the newsagents, otherwise conversations with the usual people and then back home to unpack and eat breakfast.   The coffee shop is no longer getting lacto-free milk (not clear whether this is permanent or not, but they think it might be that way) so I decided to try oat milk for a change.  Disappointingly, as for coconut milk and almond milk, they quite clearly add sugar to it, which makes it way too sweet.  It's a toss up between oat or almond milk, because, much as I love coconut, the taste combined with the sweetness completely overpowers the coffee flavour, which takes some doing in a flat white. I know the staff at the coffee shop pretty well and they have offered to let me bring in my own m...

Last working day of the week, though potentially only a half-day as I have an outpatient appointment at the hospital this afternoon, which will last as long as it takes. The morning passes in the blink of an eye and I have a quick lunch ahead of my appointment.  The plan is to get to the hospital a little early so I can meet my sister who finishes work at around 2 p.m. - a chance for a socially distanced quick catch up and for her hand over some birthday presents for my wife. It was good to catch up with her as we've barely seen each other all year - I think the only times I've seen her are at the hospital which is probably the place I've spent the most time this year, after home, obvs. I'm meant to arrive for my appointment with a 'comfortably full' bladder, in preparation for a sequence of tests. After checking in I begin the tedious process of drinking water, cup after cup.  I won't bore you with the details but, as always, things didn't go quite to p...

Not much planned for today, at least not until the early evening, other than work. One thing I have to organise is getting two forms of identity certified. Not that keen on going to the main Post Office, so I'm going to call 'our' solicitors. A quick check on the web site shows that their offices are closed, but on the principle of 'nothing ventured, nothing gained', I call anyway.  My luck is in! There is one solicitor in the office and she says she can certify my documents as long as I come over in the next 30 minutes.  Quick change, find the documents, grab the car keys, mask and money (she wants cash) and off I drive. On arrival at the solicitors I ring the bell and wait outside.  First the receptionist comes out to enquire WTF I'm doing there, which wasn't easy to explain while wearing a mask and being drowned out by a man wielding an industrial hedge trimmer on the bushes in the car park directly opposite the front door.  She then fetched the solicitor...

What am I going to get up to today? Oh yes, work, for starters! Probably for main and dessert too. Work was briefly interrupted for a conversation with our GP surgery regarding the booking of transport to take my wife to hospital next week. When I say 'briefly' I am downplaying the conversation, somewhat.  I had been expecting confirmation by text that transport had been arranged, however I'd received none and it was getting late.  After explaining the situation, things started to go awry: it began with a debate about how many days in advance it needed booking - originally I'd been told 5 working days, then 3 working days and now I was being told 3 days, including weekends.  We were both amused about the confusion and luckily it was finally determined that 3 working days were required, after some behind the scenes conversation amongst colleagues.  Next step was the booking itself: was it done? More confusion - nothing against my wife's records, which was odd as I...

Back to work! Not much to say so far today.  I found I had a very tedious but extremely important task to do which occupied quite a lot of time, if not a lot of my brain cells. The morning was brightened up when I found I'd got a small award at work for passing my MuleSoft certification a few weeks ago. A day of the usual trials and tribulations - catheter flush for my wife at lunchtime, some washing to get done for her as well - and various things to set in train. Work finished and I tried to motivate myself to do something interesting, but when it came down to it the best I could manage was to write a letter to a friend, to be finished tomorrow. Sill not managing to be very focused outside work. I've started thinking about Christmas now and have asked my sons what they want Santa to bring them. My biggest challenge will be coming up with something for my wife. Better get a move on. Started preparing/cooking dinner with son #2 whilst clearing up in the kitchen at the sam...

Quiet start to Monday without either guided meditation (Wednesday evening this week) or yoga (still too much pain in hip(hop)/back). I feel a bit lost without these anchors, further amplified by the prevailing state of mind. There are lots of things I need to get done, things to occupy my time and, if only briefly, engage my mind but none of this is satisfying or capable of capturing my imagination or of firing up my brain. First on my list of things I must do is to arrange transport to hospital for my wife. It has to be done in advance and can only be done via the GP surgery.  There's a whole load of information that must be passed in order that the people doing the transport are prepared for what they will find on arrival here.  Originally I was told they need five days notice by the surgery, but today I'm told they need only three. This means I now have to trust them to make the arrangements and the only way I'll know it's been done is that I'll get a text with a...

When I got up this morning I had the idea that today is the day to change my bed.  It looks like it's going to stay dry, so probably the best opportunity to get the heavier, non drier-friendly, items at least drip dry.  I think that's now officially the most boring opening to one of these posts to date.  Not being able to go out and do much other than exercise, combined with the fact that I still haven't recovered enough to exercise means that life just keeps getting smaller and smaller. I have spent a seriously large chunk of the day on washing, so there isn't really much to add, other than that the rest of yesterday's and all of today's papers were delivered, so I did read some of them.  Not enough time or will power to finish them though.  I should have plenty of time tomorrow, since it doesn't look like I'll be doing yoga in the morning. Damn. When the evening comes I am still in the grip of the butterfly state of mind that's been with me for wha...

All the usual Saturday rubbish that I'll not bore you or me with. I've been debating Christmas Crackers (they can't argue back). I feel like they are an essential part of the Christmas meal, but equally they are not good for the environment as they contain plastics, non-recyclable paper and so forth. My mission is to find crackers that contain no plastics and are fully recyclable and only then buy some. A bit of research uncovers the fact that some of the big retailers have taken this on board and now include no plastics and fully recyclable packaging.  There still seem to be two subtle differences: the eco-friendly ones (not generally from major retailers) have fully recyclable gifts inside as well, not only that, with some of the major brand names it's unclear whether or not the other contents (hat etc) are recyclable, which probably means they are not. The challenges of being kind to the environment. I know which way I'm leaning, but I'll discuss with my sons...

The working week is coming to a close and, as each week passes, I do wonder if I couldn't be making better use of my time.  Admittedly under the current lockdown, there's not a lot I could be doing, other than exercise, which is currently on hold, damn it. Time seems more precious now, which is an age thing I guess, or more likely an age and health thing. Whilst I am fit and healthy the time I'm unable to make the most of - in essence the whole of 2020 - seems such a waste. I know it's the same for many people. I know it could be a whole lot worse (and will be at some point soon, but I'm putting that at the back of a drawer, in the bottom of a filing cabinet in the darkest and deepest recesses of my mind, for the time being) but I cannot shake the feeling of life slipping through my fingers like grains of sand, inexorably, towards the zero point. Quit working at around 6 p.m. and packed away my work laptop and associated bits and pieces until Tuesday. We're maki...

It's already Thursday again!  The weeks seem to go by so fast. Work is the main topic for the day, which rather limits what I'll have to say. As it is International Men's Day, I'm attending a Teams call at lunchtime called 'What Makes a Man', part of our regular active inclusion programme of talks.  This call aside, it's a day of the usual stuff. I need to stop before six today as it's the weekly Idler drinks tonight. This evening the session focuses on Claudia Hammond, who has written a book called 'The Art of Rest' and who, amongst other things, presents BBC Radio 4's programme 'All In The Mind'. Another hour wonderfully well-spent: in a survey of 18,000 people reading was the number one restful activity (watching TV was the 9th); I'd not previously heard of 'mindless reading' (which I must now be on my guard against); and, lastly, the rather wonderful quote from Socrates, “Beware the barrenness of a busy life”! After ...

Another day lived under the shadow of the accursed, angry gluteus medius and tensor fasciae latae.  Damn them all! Work. Obvs. Everywhere I go I am leaving the scent of tiger balm in my wake. I guess it could be a lot worse.  It does also seem to be working. I'm not sure the stripes suit me though. Perhaps they'll grow on me. Somehow the time between finishing work and starting to make dinner evaporated, a liminal space that was neither one thing or another, and so it is that I find myself emptying the bins from across the house into the waste bag whilst son #2 starts to make dinner. Whilst collecting the rubbish bins I pass my wife's TV and see Barack Obama is on. I'm stopped in my tracks and must listen. It's a shock.  It reminds me what being presidential means. The stark contrast with the current incumbent is apparent.  It makes me realise that however much I rail against Trump, I have become a little deadened to the petulance, the childishness and the plain ign...

Where do I begin?  I am working today so that's going to occupy most of the day. I'm working whilst taking measures to try and ease the pain in my hip / back, including having to resort to the Bezos demon to get hold of some Tiger balm on the same day. Work dominates the day, punctured by a minor surprise discovery which requires a bit of re-think of things on my part. In the early evening I found time to listen to Sunday's 'Freak Zone' - nothing earth shattering, just the odd thing of interest I'd not heard. Stuart must be reading my blog as he played the Divide and Dissolve track I posted on Saturday.  (Only kidding. He isn't. He did play the song however.) We watched the third episode of 'The Queen's Gambit', which continues to captivate, both in the chess scenes and the portrayal of life in the 1960s.  Anya Taylor-Joy, who plays the older lead character, Beth Harmon gives a really strong performance and steals the scenes she is in. And that, ...

Great start to the day off with a Zoom-based guided meditation, though I was still a bit wary of the mindful movement that we started with. I have come to terms with not doing yoga this morning - I will miss doing it but there is no doubt I shouldn't do it.  Actually, never mind about 'shouldn't do it', I don't think I could do it.  One of the carers suggested placing a hot water bottle against the affected area, so I'm going to try that. I've decided to try and finish my Idler course 'The Idler Guide To Jazz' by watching the remaining five lessons which take me through the 1940s and the start of be-bop into the 1960s and beyond with the avant-garde/free jazz.  The course includes links to a tunes that illustrate the different styles and so I get to listen to those as 'homework' after each lesson. In the closing round-up session Sandy Burnett talks about the various jazz fusion styles he doesn't have time to cover, like jazz-rock, but tan...

I'm going to have a slower day than normal today, as my right hip is very painful, so much so that I've had to resort to the codeine phosphate tablets, something I swore I not take again after the previous side effects. Unfortunately, needs must - none of the other painkillers, alone or in combination, seem to have any effect on this pain. Let's see how the codeine does. Had breakfast with a side-order of codeine and it turns out that the codeine can deaden the pain, which is both good news and bad.  Good news because there's some relief, bad news because I really don't want to take them unless absolutely necessary.  I may take one much later, but no more than two today. Chores After lunch I did my usual read of the papers, after which I decided to phone my elder sister to see how things were in the northern territories (West Yorkshire) and environs. We've planned to have a takeaway from the new Turkish restaurant that's just opened at the nearby shopping ce...

Early morning is a rush. Need to get shopping done and breakfast eaten by around 9:30. Meditation session begins at 9:30 with 'hellos' and ground rules and order of the day, though I guess there'll be no fire alarm drill since we'll be at home. Returned from shopping with son #2 just at around 9:15, so it looks as though we should get the shopping put away and breakfast eaten in good time. Son #2 is being especially helpful as my lower back pain seems to be getting worse, if anything. I was one of the first of nine attendees online and was welcomed with a friendly greeting from one of the counsellors/mindfulness practitioners I've met quite a few times before, both as the presenter of the eight week course I attended back in 2018 and also for some one-to-one counselling/guidance.  He remarked on my colourful t-shirt which sparked a chat amongst those of us present and an introduction to the other meditation guide, who is the only one of the four mindfulness practiti...

Last working day of the week with a few things I must get done before the end of the day, such as complete and send to my manager my end of year summary as input to the upcoming review/calibration process. This is the second day I'll have gone without walking this week: somehow or other I did something to my back on Wednesday and ever since I got up yesterday morning my lower back has been painful.  The only position that is comfortable is lying down flat, especially on the floor, all other movement is painful, including, most annoyingly, walking. I've taken painkillers for it but all they seem to do is take the edge off, but nothing more. Found enough time to listen to a couple of songs then start on making dinner:  mussels and chips tonight, probably one of least effort dinners we've made recently, but makes a pleasant change - you can't beat a bowl of mussels! Whilst shells were tossed from bowl to bowl (' Or, like grief itself, filled with gentle hope, It become...

Today I'm on leave to celebrate my wife's birthday, though as this coincides with cleaner day, I still have to get up early, though I did manage to sneak 30 minutes extra in bed.  Thursday is a good day to celebrate her birthday as it's one of the two days each week she is lifted out of her bed into her special tilt-in-space chair, if only for 10 to 15 minutes. Since son #2 is working today and son #3 has lectures at uni, the current plan is that when H goes into her chair, I'll give her my cards and presents and also any others that have already arrived.  The boys will share theirs with her, as and when. Getting things organised, birthday-wise, was interrupted by a call from an unknown mobile number, which turned out to be the specialist nurse from endoscopy from the hospital.  They want to book my wife in to have her PEG replaced, which ended up being a long discussion about the pros and cons of the two types of PEG. In the end we decided it was in my wife's best ...

Yet another day.  Work.  Stuff to do. Distraction. Usual working Wednesday starting with yoga at 7, blah blah blah. My schedule for the day allowed me to walk a little earlier, so I've just returned and there is still daylight left as I continue to work.   Walking earlier turned out to be a good decision as it's trying to rain now. Worked a little later than planned but did remember to set my 'out of office' message as I am on leave tomorrow, to celebrate - in whatever way we can - my wife's birthday. Not feeling like reading or listening to music, just going to get chores done instead. Easy dinner tonight - pizza - to coincide with it being bin night, and not the nicest of nights: the earlier threat to rain has turned into blustery winds and heavy rain. We will have fun putting the bins out. Watched the penultimate episode of 'The Last Wave', which has managed to keep me interested, probably more because of the human story than the weirdness of the unexplai...