Lockdown Diary - Sunday 25th October 2020

Despite getting, at least in theory, an extra hour of sleep, getting up was no easier, though in truth I didn't sleep until later, so maybe that is part of it.

Starting the day slowly with coffee, an almond croissant and today's paper.  I'll have things to do, but they can wait.

When I started writing this diary at the start of the lockdown my idea was that it would be a place where I could write exactly what I felt or thought, regardless of the consequences, because it is anonymous. Of course, it isn't, plenty of people know who writes this and also, even if that hadn't become obvious though my own hand, it really is quite difficult to remain totally anonymous on the internet. (I have investigated this and it is nigh on impossible, without going to the sort of effort which gets in to dodgier territory)

In practice I have found it impossible to be totally honest about what I think or feel.  Some thoughts I have trouble accepting myself, so I choose to bury them or, in some cases, I find the thought sits well with the logical part of my brain, but on other occasions the part involved with feelings and emotions can't accept that thought. There is probably only one person I can be totally honest with, but I cannot share these thoughts with them, currently.

Why isn't it possible to be totally honest? As mentioned some of these thoughts are transient, at least in the sense that at one point in time I might feel one way, at another, the opposite. In all cases of thoughts I cannot share, part of the problem is how I feel they reflect on me, either in the sense that they don't reflect how I like to imagine others see me or indeed, more simply I think they would change the way the people I care about see me. On top of that there are the thoughts that are too difficult to share because they are just too painful and I can't control them, or where they might lead.

I had to get that off my chest, even though I've really said nothing, but needed to say it, nonetheless.

For the past couple of days my wife has been much more tired than normal - she's barely been awake at all.  It's been a long time since she's been anything like as fatigued as this, and it's beginning to get a bit concerning. If things don't improve tomorrow I'll have to call out the nurse or GP as it doesn't seem right.  I am on orange alert - maybe that's why I'm not sleeping?

Against the backdrop of alertness, I decided to try out my new coffee, called 'Skull Crusher' whose tagline is that it's 'F*cking Strong Coffee'. Turns out they aren't kidding - no chance of my alert level dropping for a few hours now.  Good time to read the papers, more of the 'Sirens' chapter of 'Ulysses' and also book club novel, 'The Many'.

Had a brief video call with son #3 at uni, who seems to be doing OK. He has a reading week next week, so may return home for a few days, before the final onslaught leading up to the end of term.

Change of pace, I haven't sat and listened to music for a few days so tonight I'm going to listen to Laura Nyro and Siouxsie & The Banshees before we start making dinner.  One of these is definitely going to turn up here over the next day or two.

Dinner tonight is oven-baked Hake with various vegetables: son #2 has decided to added garlic to the salt, pepper and butter I suggested for the fish. Fine with that - always glad to add some garlic.

Over dinner we watched episode 2 of 'The Third Day': I'm really liking it as it ramps up the unease, eeriness and feeling something bad is about to happen, or maybe has already happened.

Radcliffe and Maconie played a pair of tunes back to back this Sunday morning which stopped me in my tracks.  The first track I already knew but hadn't really picked up fully on how absolutely stunning it is, the second I'd never heard, but by a musician who has interested me - I've heard odd things I've liked but who I can't quite get in to. That song is today's tune and it's most appropriate: 'Fresh As A Sweet Sunday Morning' by Bert Jansch.  It's originally from the 'LA Turnaround' album though in order to get an 'official' version, I've gone with this one from the compilation album 'Three Chord Trick'

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