Lockdown Diary - Thursday 17th September 2020

Today's a day off in lieu of Monday last week, but sadly there's no lie-in. The cleaner will be ringing the door bell at 10 to 7, so I might as well be up and ready by then, which, of course, I am.

There's a whole bunch of things I want to get done today: washing for son #3 ahead of going to uni tomorrow; remove a bunch of books and magazines from my bedroom to reduce the chance of me being crushed in my sleep by a mountain of books; walk for 30 minutes or so; get cards and present written and wrapped for our anniversary tomorrow; read the weekend paper backlog; change my bed; and, if there's any time left (!) read more of 'The Hunting Party' and start 'The Time Machine'.  Ambitious? I suspect so.

By the time the lunch carers arrived one wash was done, another was under way and the book mountain was re-homed whilst the magazine backlog was mostly in the waste bins outside (not all of them - stuff from before 2020 - give or take articles I removed to read, after all, I haven't got enough to read, have I?) I made a decision: I need to buy fewer magazines, I just don't have the time to do so many justice. Saves money and trees, sort of.

Today is one of the two days per week when the carers get my wife out her bed and into her special chair.  A conversation started with them about the darker days of 2018, my lost half-year (or more), after a remark about the anti-depressants I take. It's still quite a tough conversation for me as it dredges up painful emotions and feelings but I want to be able to talk about it like any other part of life. They wanted to know what caused it and I vaguely said there were several factors, obviously one being my wife's situation, but I'm really not going to say that in front of her. I was also vague because I know that at least two of the contributory factors are still present, or in the case of one, not, but that is the problem.  The carers were very kind, supportive and complimentary, though I don't think that was justified. I was reminded of one of the key moments at the beginning of that roller coaster ride, when I was 'interviewed' (I'm sure that's not the right word) by the psychologist who prescribed the anti-depressants: at the end of the meeting he said something along the lines 'I think we can let you go' and I realised that the main thing he was deciding was whether they should take me somewhere for my own safety, against my will, or let me go with daily supervision for some indeterminate period. I remember being quite frightened afterwards that he had the power to decide that. I made a joke of it to the carers, but I don't think I'll ever forget that moment of realisation.

After the carers left I stripped my bed and got the first load in the machine. 

The boys and I had a late lunch and ate together while we watched the penultimate episode of 'The Bridge', which was one of the best episodes of the series so far.

After that 20 minutes meditation followed by 30 minutes walking, before coming home to sort the cards and present for tomorrow.

In amongst all the things I've done today, I've also been helping son #3 get organised for the big university adventure which begins tomorrow.

For the last time in a while, most likely at least, son #3 and I made dinner together, before all three of us settling down to watch the final episode of series 1 (for there is a second series) of 'The Bridge'. 

The last episode was good, not sure if it topped the penultimate one or not, but it was up there.  Thoroughly recommend the first series.

Unfortunately owing to the fact that a key component of my foam mattress wasn't dry when I brought it in from the line, I still had my bed to make.  Luckily the top layer had dried in the airing cupboard and was ready to be reattached to the casing. I was also assisted by sons 2 and 3 intermittently, which did make the job easier and quicker.

Finally it was time to read then sleep, though somewhat less easily than normal as after making the bed I suddenly realised I'd not taken my anti-depressant, which I should have taken an hour or two earlier. No doubt I'll be struggling when it's time to get up tomorrow.

This was going to be 'Hunted By A Freak' but at the last minute I swerved left and found myself at The Orb.  I almost wore this out when it was released and it still sounds great today. 'The End Of the End' dates back to 2018 and for reasons which cannot be revealed here, it has strong emotional associations which still resonate today. It's from the album 'No Sounds Are Out Of Bounds'

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