Nine Feet Underground

I don't know where to begin, so I'll begin later in the day, which will then be the beginning, which then in turn means that I did know where to begin, even though it wasn't actually the beginning. But I guess it sort of is, too. A "friend" (I'm not sure if there's an actual term for the person I was meeting: I guess they are balanced on a knife edge between 'friend' on one side and potentially something more on the other side) and I had arranged to meet for the first time at Savill Gardens in the early afternoon.  (I did stuff in the morning before setting off, but nothing of consequence. That was probably the beginning.) Given the occasion, I had chosen some suitably striking apparel, shirt-wise, attempting to look reasonably smart, though equally not overdressed for walking through whatever terrain the Queen had laid on for us. Everything polished and buffed up that needed to be polished and buffed for the occasion, I set off in the car. Well, f...

Usual start to Saturday: shopping with son #1 followed by breakfast. The descent into the mundane (hell) continues with washing times three. Son #3 is going round a friend's house to watch the Champions League final with some mates this evening. I can think of better ways to spend an evening, but we can't all like the same things. Thankfully. The weather has picked up and the sun is out: whatever next? I am trying to keep my mind off something, but let's just say that's easier said than done. Only a lobotomy or the other thing would be able to do that. Bright day, dark clouds. Make things change. Booked three nights in the Portmeirion Hotel later this year, though not as soon as I wanted. Just me. Going to book somewhere else sooner, just need to decide where. Where do I want to go? Somewhere I've never been before or somewhere I've been to, but not for years? Everywhere you go, there you are. There is no escape. Read the papers. Not much of interest. Brought th...

Walked after the first carer call then hot-footed it to the shops to collect some meds from the pharmacy and pick up a coffee. Back in time to start work before 9 a.m. Amongst the work work, there was also some admin and planning to do, owing to some training that's spread over 6 weeks and totally fucks up my annual leave plans.   Called Talking Therapies and booked my initial assessment / consultation for next week after which  I also notified my manager of my impending sessions as a heads-up in case of any work impact.  I had planned to spend parts of my annual  leave doing the above training, but have decided in light of the TT goings on that days are either work or leave and not some mix of the two.  It won't feel like a day off if I have to get my laptop out and work for part of it. Work Plumber came late morning and measured up the en-suite. He also made a repair to the existing problem which should allow us to use the shower by Monday, but not before...

Even earlier start owing to cleaner coming today.  Did my walk in bright sunshine under a blue sky, which made a change.  In fact I got so warm I had to take my jacket off! Is the summer coming at last? Work took centre stage for most of the rest of the day... ...until late afternoon when I had a video call with one of a member of Talking Therapies that I know.  Going in to the call I had assumed it would be a one off, but whenever I go into these things I always seem to discover that things are worse than I realise. I think I am doing OK, under the circumstances, but then as I explain what's happening and how I feel, I find that I'm just about keeping the lid on.  It's like a tap that you open slightly, but daren't open any further for fear of unleashing a tidal wave that threatens to drown you. The counsellor reflects back some things she's heard, and suggests that what she's hearing is grief from a bereavement, except that it's a bereavement that's on...

Another early start and walk. Crazy person disappeared - real or not? Banned or self-deleted? I will never know. Early morning trip to the Post Office to send a bold letter journeying to its destination.  Undone. I am. Adrift. Flip-flop state A to state B and round again. Guess what I'll be doing today?  Begins with 'w' and ends in a 'k'? Any clues?  I'm told if you do too much of what I do it can be bad for your eyesight? Getting warmer? Work it is then... Got an email from Talking Therapies mid-afternoon asking if I wanted to have a one-to-one as they were concerned by my scores in the PHQ-9 test (and others) I did before last week's half-day of meditation.  Given the way I've been feeling of late, I decided that I probably should take up the offer.  I have an hour long one-to-one with one of the counsellors tomorrow afternoon.  Work again...hours of back-to-back calls ahead of me. Unusually I'm finishing a little earlier today as I am making my fi...

Back to work, but not before walking for 30 minutes or so. I've accepted an invite to a wedding reception in July and an overnight stay at a hotel afterwards.  Will there be a plus one? Or a minus one, for that matter? Do I change the title of the blog before 21st June? I'm starting to feel less locked down with plans for a pub visit tomorrow night, and a walk later in June. Maybe it's time then.  I still haven't made up my mind: 'Dead Souls' after the Gogol novel of the same name is appealing, but possibly a bit bleak, even if appropriate.  I'm drawn to something that is dark, but with an element of humour, though dark humour is preferred. Work dominates Much on my mind and something better lingers just long enough for it to cast a dark cloud over the day. That'll teach me. Writing a letter to a friend, which will probably be the last, just about, for some time. The ball is no longer in my court. Just got to find something new, something better. I'v...

Weekends pass in a flash and here I am again at Monday, thankful that I don't work them.  I'm up and dressed before the carer arrives and start making my breakfast. Why am I eating breakfast so early, you may ask? It's because I am returning to yoga this morning after months away, pre- and post-operation. It's generally recommended that you leave at least two hours between breakfast and yoga (though not if you have yogurt for breakfast). Consequently I've eaten early. Having shovelled porridge and fruit down my throat, and the carer having left, I'm off out to walk for 30 minutes or so, while the sun is shining and the sky's awful blue. Back from the walk and realising my timing was good: the sky is almost full of clouds, and they look like rain clouds. Blow me down with a feather if it doesn't start raining within 10 or 15 minutes of me returning home. I get the living room set up with my mat, blocks and cushions ready for whatever will be thrown at me,...

Quiet start to what looks like being a quiet Sunday. Weather is as lovely as it's been all week, i.e. not. There's washing to do - when isn't there? Other chores too, plus the papers to read - never read any yesterday though a combination of lack of time and lack of motivation. Over lunch I watched some of the excellent BBC4 Arena documentary about Delia Derbyshire titled, 'Delia Derbyshire: The Myths and Legendary Tapes'.  She was an extraordinary women and pioneer of electronic music both while working through the BBC Radiophonic Workshop, where she most famously created the Doctor Who theme tune, and also through commercial recordings most notably the seminal album 'An Electric Storm' by White Noise. This was a great docu-drama featuring music created and manipulated from the lost tapes by Cosey Fanni Tutti, featuring interviews with some of the key figures involved.  Well worth watching! Late afternoon I had a phone call with my younger sister during whi...

A slightly different Saturday: sons 1 and 2 are off to Birmingham University for an open day, ahead of son #1 most likely going there in September. Son #3 and I did the shopping fairly quickly as I am due to join a three hour Talking Therapies guided meditation session that begins at 10:00, though we're advised to join at around twenty to, in order to make sure the technology works. Overall, three hours well-spent and it was a good refresh as there hasn't been a half-day session since February. Next one is in July.  I feel better for it though it does remind me how much needs to change and how far away from getting there I am. After that I did all the usual rubbish that needs doing then later went for a walk with son #3, which made a change. It was a good chance to get to talk to him one-to-one which I haven't done much of lately.  There's more we need to talk about, so we should do it again sometime soon. Around 7:15 p.m. sons 1 and 2 returned after a challenging day o...

No walk to start the day today, I plan to walk later if the weather holds. Instead I start work early as I have to go to the pharmacy to pick up some meds and, whilst there, a bit of shopping and a coffee (natch!) Back home for work: I have a load of calls today and a 120-page document to read, understand then provide feedback on before close of play. Somewhere in between I'm having my second covid vaccination, which hopefully won't affect me as I have to finish the document, come hell or the other place. At around 1:15 p.m. I leave a call to head off for the community centre where my GP surgery is doing today's mass vaccination.  As it was my second time, it was much easier - less questions to answer before going through and being jabbed.  After queuing for quite a while to get in, I was jabbed quickly then sat for the regulation 15 minutes to see if I was going to keel over or whatever it is they're worried might happen. Back home and back on another call - the first ...

Carer got here early again, so I was out and walking by 7:30 a.m. again. Missed the rain, which is always good. Started work then had a brief break to go out and post a card / letter to a friend - a brief let-up in the joys of work. Back to work for a day of calls and document review/updating. I reckon this will be a quiet one on the blog front. Usual interruptions to my day but mostly time spent staring at a screen and/or typing. Work ended in time for me to join the Idler drinks at 6 p.m. Tonight's guest is Stephanie Phillips who is a member of black female punk band, Big Joanie and is also writes in music mags and has just published a book on musician Solange (Knowles, younger sister of someone called Beyoncé, that you may have heard of?) titled  'Why Solange Matters'.  Before the Zoom call I listened both to Big Joanie and also to Solange's 2016 album 'A Seat At The Table'.  Yet again an excellent chat with an interesting guest along with some excellent musi...

An even earlier start than yesterday, due to the cleaner coming today and all the other usual working day fun. Cleaner arrived at 6:50 and, unexpectedly, shortly after 7 the carer arrived too. Initially it was pouring with rain, but around 7:25 it cleared and as the carer had left, I decided to go for my 30 minutes walk. Despite nothing materially changing, my head is in a slightly different space than before last night's walk and talk with a friend.  A couple of things are reset in my mind and I've strengthened my resolve to change my life.  Regardless of my wife's deteriorating condition I have to forge my own path and not be tied down by the situation. I have remind myself that there is nothing more that I can do for her, beyond what I already am doing/have done.  Changing my life and seeking a new path does not affect my wife in a negative way, though me doing nothing will negatively impact on me and my life. Somehow I've got to make this way of thinking the default...

Tuesday means work and I am up early for the first carer, followed by a walk before rain sets in again for the day. Strange dreams last night: somehow, in a way I can't fully recall, I was trying to help prevent families being sent to concentration camps. Where that comes from, I have no idea. Darkness pervades everything, it seems. Providing a home for the dog again, dark skies outside and in. Work will keep my mind occupied for most of the day, though that is no solution to anything. Work...interspersed with knee exercises.   This week's poem is 'Remember' by Christina Rossetti, which seems to have some resonance. Remember me when I am gone away,    Gone far away into the silent land;    When you can no more hold me by the hand, Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay. Remember me when no more day by day    You tell me of our future that you planned:    Only remember me; you understand It will be late to counsel then or pray. Yet if you...

My Monday, again.  Not working on Mondays is something I should treasure and make the most of.  Once I restart yoga, some of Mondays will be devoted to that, however I have come to a decision: yoga will not stand in the way of me doing other things with Mondays.  It's very easy for things that you do regularly to become an impediment to doing something else instead. If I am to completely build myself a new life over the coming 12 months or so, I have to cast aside fixed habits, where they can be replaced with something better.  There are other times for yoga during the week. Against the brightness and optimism of a future, there lurks in the background the stygian shadow cast by the ever present black dog. It won't be banished. Not even by the apparent positivity of a planned future. Today, especially on Mondays, it makes its presence felt more strongly, for reasons that are to remain occulted. Some of the possible, though unlikely, futures would resolve this. The da...

Well, that's a surprise! I've woken up to rain, so I'm gonna delay my walk until later, assuming the rain stops. Usual rubbish chores to do, not made any easier by the rain: when will it ever cease? I had a long chat with my younger sister which was a good reminder of what I should be doing, but I am failing to do.  Originally I had planned to drop by to see her and sit in her garden, but the rain has put paid to that. Over lunch I started watching a documentary about Betty Davis - the American singer who was married to Miles Davis and influenced his musical direction by introducing him to Jimi Hendrix and Sly Stone - which was a reminder to check out her raunchy funk albums of the early 1970s.  So far, it's been well worth watching. Some time during the Betty Davis documentary my other sister rang and we had a good catch-up.  The carers arrived during the call, though the call came to a natural end before they left. I've got a lot of albums from 2021 I've not r...

Up early for the first carer call of the day as well as food shopping with son #1.  I have a tedious DIY job to do later: remove the grout in part of the shower, then clean up and re-grout. It's the sort of job that gives gardening a run for its money on being the most soul-destroying way to spend a day. That's assuming I don't fuck it up. Before that excitement, breakfast then chores. Son #3 is off to Banbury for an illicit meeting with his gf.  I note that he is growing up fast, which is a good thing. I'm sure my wife would see it differently as she probably still thinks of him as the baby, but they are all going to have a lot more growing up to do over the next year or so, one way or another.  There's no point me starting on the job until the afternoon carer call or else I will be interrupted.  Hopefully I'll have lunch first too. Well, that was fun. Using a manual grout rake is hard work as grout generally (and I'll come on to that next) sets like concre...

Began the day with my walk, then made a quick visit to the shops to pick up wine and pizza for tonight's outdoor meeting.  As it is a Friday I made a brief trip to the coffee shop for a coffee and a brief chat. Then on with work... The GP surgery has replied to me and confirmed that my second vaccination is booked for next Friday, just one day before the 12 weeks is up.  I'm not quite sure if that was the plan or if my chasing them prompted them to realise that if they hadn't done it then I'd be outside the 12 week window and have to start from scratch. I have to say I will be very glad to have had the second shot. Work...work...work Son #1 has gone out for the day to Brighton with his gf, partly so she can get a haircut, though Brighton is also well worth a visit in its own right. It appears that there is there nothing I can do to restart communications, so I guess I'd better look for joy elsewhere. At around 6 p.m., just after the final carer call of the day,  a f...

Another day started with a walk. The weather was threatening, but not much rain fell during my walk.  If I manage to walk tomorrow morning as well I should hit my weekly target for the first time in an eternity.  I am finding walking in the morning useful as it lets me be alone with my thoughts without the clamour of other people's demands on me.  I guess it must be doing my some good physically, if not so much mentally. I haven't quite worked out if being alone with my thoughts is a good thing - it certainly isn't for some of them. The only thing you can't escape from: yourself. The cleaner is here - and this may come as a surprise - cleaning, I am settled in for a series of back-to-back Microsoft Teams calls which should test my powers of concentration. So, here we go, descending into work mode, hopefully emerging some time later (it is Idler drinks night after all). Keeping track of a delivery due today which has been on a long journey. Hopefully it will be good. ...