Lockdown Diary - Friday 7th May 2021

Breakneck start to Friday: Up early so I'm ready to go for a walk as soon as the first carer has finished and left.

Straight out for 30 minutes brisk walking in the cool morning sun. On my return a quick change then off to the shopping precinct to collect meds for son #1 along with a couple of music mags and a visit to the coffee shop. I know my favourite barista works Fridays, so I pop in for the chat as much as for the coffee (anything to talk to a real person, in real life at the moment).  She is as bright and cheerful as always and we have a laugh. A fix for the day.  

I hurry home to start work before the carers arrive, getting a wash load on as I make my breakfast (son #1 has finally changed his bedding - more sweat than sheet) then getting stuck in to work as I eat my porridge made with coconut milk.  

Today is a day of Teams calls, starting at 9:30 with a couple of guys in my team in India.  Apart from work I have a long chat about how things are for these guys and their families, and it's a pretty harrowing tale. They have lost family, friends and colleagues.  I can't detail anything more here as it's not my news to share, but it's fucking depressing to hear. I'm pleased that my employers have paid money to the Indian Government to help with the appalling situation but I know how much we rely on these guys (and by extension, their families) and all I have are words.

Mid-morning the community matron arrives and my focus shifts to my own world. My wife's readings are good, which is good news. Until the next time. Round the loop we go again. Death by a thousand cuts,  but whose?

Work dominates the day and obliterates the rest. Until it's over.

For some reason my mind has wandered back to my time working at my previous client.  I'm reminded of a colleague asking me "how come you're so cheerful all the time?" (he knew of my home situation). Can't remember my answer, but it was probably a polite lie. I think this was before the slough of despond that was 2017 into 2018.  The rock bottom of 2018 left me changed forever. Previously I was mostly optimistic and upbeat and, at the very least, always able to present a happy face to the world. Ever since, my mind has become a battleground: the positive, happy me fighting the darker side.  The battle is not over, but the darker side casts a long shadow over everything. Emptiness, futility, loneliness, hopelessness and worse are my daily companions. The darker side promises an end to all of those painful emotions - sometimes the arguments are persuasive and I must fight to resist the logical conclusion. Maybe writing it down keeps it at arms length? Our sons mean the world to me and they are an anchor, but you can't live life vicariously. There has to be more. Except there isn't.

The darkness is kept at bay for another day. Another day of feeling that way. Round and around again and again and again and again. Focus on the mundane to keep it at bay.  Work obliterates everything else whilst it's present, but it is the start of the slippery slope when you use work to fill up the hours, even though there is enough work to do that.

I listen to a new album before getting involved in the dinner with son #2. It appears son #1 won't make it home tonight from his route march around the Isle of Wight.

We eat dinner whilst watching a bit of comedy.  Once the 30 minutes is up the boys depart and I watch the end of Suede's 'Coming Up' in Sky Arts' 'Classic Album Series' before going to bed. The end.

The Anchoress / 'The Art of Losing' / 'The Art of Losing'

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