Lockdown Diary - Thursday 27th May 2021

Even earlier start owing to cleaner coming today.  Did my walk in bright sunshine under a blue sky, which made a change.  In fact I got so warm I had to take my jacket off! Is the summer coming at last?

Work took centre stage for most of the rest of the day...

...until late afternoon when I had a video call with one of a member of Talking Therapies that I know.  Going in to the call I had assumed it would be a one off, but whenever I go into these things I always seem to discover that things are worse than I realise. I think I am doing OK, under the circumstances, but then as I explain what's happening and how I feel, I find that I'm just about keeping the lid on.  It's like a tap that you open slightly, but daren't open any further for fear of unleashing a tidal wave that threatens to drown you. The counsellor reflects back some things she's heard, and suggests that what she's hearing is grief from a bereavement, except that it's a bereavement that's ongoing. Coming out of the call I realised we had just scratched the surface and the outcome is that she's referred me back to TT for another six week series of counselling sessions.  She's also set my mind thinking about the way I'm viewing the future, which has been helpful.

Since the call I've also realised that I do need those counselling sessions.  I realise most of the time it feels like my wife is on the verge of dying, except she carries on and so I'm constantly in that state of fear and anticipation of loss, and it just carries on and on and on. Now is the time.

And, on a lighter note, knitting patterns.

Back to work

The evening carers arrive and it's almost time for the Idler drinks whose guest tonight is comedian and author, Frank Skinner. He's just published a book called 'A Comedian's Prayer Book', which is actually a book about faith and religious belief, with an element of humour alongside the more serious message. The chat was both amusing and challenging, challenging given my own personal beliefs around faith.  I may have to read the book to see how I feel afterwards.

Again I failed to ask a question of the guest, though in large part because the subject matter had me floored a little. Nevertheless I did take part in the post-guest chatter again, which was good.

Dinner, 'Top Boy', poem, bed, sleep, repeat.

Sonic Youth / 'Drunken Butterfly' / 'Dirty'

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